WARNING!!!!!!!! I’m going to vent……..
Ryley is playing T-Ball. I’ve blogged it before. That’s not the point of today’s entry. Every team has a team mom. Ours is not my favorite person in the world. At yesterday’s game, she reinforced that even more. I really try to remain a positive person, and try to see the good parts of everyone. I don’t like to bash or complain about other people, but this one just completely threw me, and I need to get it out or else it’s going to eat me up inside.
She and I were talking. Ryley wasn’t in the game because his knee was hurting. She asked if he was growing, etc. We frequently deal with knee pain whenever he goes through a growth spurt. I was saying how far he has come, and explained that he was a preemie, 2 lbs at birth, born at 26 weeks, etc, etc, etc. At first, she was really supportive and agreeing that yes, he had come really far. Then she asked how long he was in the hospital. When I told her “93 days”, she asked me if I stayed at the hospital the entire time. Hmph. No, I did not STAY at the hospital for 93 days with him. I went, everyday, for hours on end, but I didn’t stay there. I explained that they only had one rooming in room and that was for parents with very, very sick babies, or those getting ready to go home. Her youngest son spent a month in the NICU for a metabolic disorder. She went on to say that she never left the hospital and neither did her husband. They slept in chairs in the NICU, her husband slept in the window seat, and she even climbed into the hospital crib with her son (I got a mental picture of me trying to climb into the isolette with Ryley). She made me feel like I was a bad mom for leaving my child to go home each night. As if I didn’t have enough guilt over this already. She made it sound like she was a better mother because she never left the hospital for an entire month. Should I have stayed? Could I have stayed?
I HATED leaving Ryley every night. I would cry nearly all the way home, cry when I got home, cry during the night thinking about him being there “all alone” in his isolette and then his crib. I still hate leaving him in his room each night, and he’s 5 1/2 years old!!!!! Her conversation just left me in pieces, and brought all those feelings to the surface once again. I left a part of myself in that NICU everyday when I walked out the doors. I would practically hold me breath until I was back there again, watching and seeing what he was doing, how he was doing. Was I wrong to go home every night? Was I wrong to not be there 24/7 for 93 days? I honestly didn’t even know what to say to her after that. With one sentence, she brought back everything, every fear, every amount of guilt I thought I had dealt with, healed from, and left behind. And suddenly, I was once again doubting myself and my skills as Ryley’s mother.
Sorry to go on….It really, really hurt me. I thought and dreamed about it all night.