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All over the place

My brain is completely scattered today, so bear with me.

First, to catch you up on our weekend….I think I have completely lost my mind. My house is a zoo……three kids, two dogs, two cats, fish, a wonderful husband who does not know how to finish projects or clean up after himself…..constant insanity and chaos. We got a call Friday night from one of Michael’s employees. “Do you want a puppy?” WHAT? In a convoluted manner, this employee knew of a puppy that was going to go to the pound unless they found a home for him. UGH! I think I’ve said before in the Cafe that I simply cannot watch Animal Cops on Animal Planet. It has left me in tears more often than I can recall…I just can’t stand the thought of animals suffering in any way (same things happens with kids or old people). Can’t stand the thought of a healthy, precious puppy being put down because no one wanted him. Bring on the puppy. He arrived yesterday…..the cutest buff cocker spaniel, 7 month old puppy. I honestly think my husband even thought of it because he wants to take my mind off wanting another baby!!! the puppy arrived with the name “Happy” but was quickly rechristened Bruce. He is so cute. I know he would have been adopted if he had been taken to the pound, but I wasn’t taking any chances. So now we have three dogs, three kids, two cats, fish, and a husband who still doesn’t know how to finish projects of clean up after himself. I live in a zoo.

NEXT!!!!! Today is one of my favorite days of the entire year…..OPENING DAY of baseball season!!!! Honestly, I cannot express how much I love this sport. There is NOTHING like being at the ballpark on a warm summer day, hot dogs and cool beverages in hand. Ryley and I are flying up to the Bay Area to hopefully watch the A’s take on the Yankees. It’s raining up there now, and it’s supposed to continue all day, so there may not be a game to see. Ryley is so excited to fly and go to a “big, huge ballpark!”….so cute!

And there it is again…..Ryley’s song playing on the radio streaming onto my computer. I hear those first few notes, and my heart freezes, then beats insanely fast…….Amazing how a few sounds can take you back in time. That’s the other thing that’s been on my mind over the weekend. First came the thought-provoking quote on my t-shirt, then an email from a friend. And I’m right back where I was five and a half years ago. Praying and hoping my son will be okay. Asking “why?” to a God who had given me so much up to that point. Why did this happen to us? Are we somehow more blessed because we could endure this? I don’t remember signing up for this anywhere along the way. Did I need to somehow be tested? Did I need to prove my strength to anyone? I don’t always feel this negatively about all of it. Usually, I try and find the good in Ryley’s premature birth and NICU stay. But sometimes, those hurts are just too much to take. For some reason I don’t know, we were lucky…..I don’t know what else to call it. Lucky doesn’t even sound right. I feel guilty for even thinking it. We were able to bring our baby home. We have a relatively healthy 5 year old. I don’t know why, I don’t know how. But there are still scars. There are still hurts. And there are heartbreaks that some of my best friends endured the same and worse. There are heartbreaks that my friends’ children became angels, that they wear “hearings”, that they are housebound for six months of the year, that they have diagnosis that haven’t even been acknowledged yet. There are heartbreaks that these tiny, precious beings suffer more than I would ever want to, more than I ever could handle. There are heartbreaks that these babies have to be “heroes.” Why are we, as parents of preemies and/or babies with birth defects, considered so “strong” or “patient” or “enduring” when all we want to do is cry out or breakdown?

I would apologize for being negative. But I’m not sorry. Sometimes, we have to go through this. It’s part of healing. It’s a normal progression.

See, scattered. Sorry that was so long…….I’m not even sure I got it out the way I was thinking and feeling it.

6 thoughts on “All over the place

  1. I hope that you and Ryley are able to have the best day today! I’ll keep my fingers crossed for no rain outs! I totally understand your feelings – I truly do. For quite some time – I had anger. Why did *my* child get chosen to become an angel – when so many born at his gestation (and earlier) live – and go on to become healthy toddler/children? Then it became anger (and negativity) about my preemies? Wasn’t taking my first child enough? No – I have to give birth to 2 more preemies – whose start in life is so very different from full term healthy babies. Is it fair? Absolutely not. I get angry all the time. There are definitely still hurts. But I believe that this was my destiny – it was my children’s destiny. Crazy thinking? Maybe – but it’s what gets me through. I have always been a passionate person (before I became a member here – and part of the March of Dimes Mission) I volunteered at an Animal Shelter. (Yes, I am a huge animal lover too!) I truly believe that my life was meant to be spent doing what I’m doing now – being an advocate for the March of Dimes. Phillip died – he became an angel – but not before changing my heart. And you are SO very right. I’m not sorry either for how I feel – it IS part of healing. And for me – it’s what makes me work harder to help. HUGE hugs to you!

  2. I think that email is going to be inspiring quite a few blogs today and tomorrow. And rightly so. We didn’t volunteer, we didn’t sign up. And we don’t feel like heroes. We don’t always feel like advocating. Sometimes we just want to blend into anonymity. And since that can never happen for some of us… we don’t get a day off.
    I’ll be blogging this later… I hope you and Ryley have an AMAZING time. This will be a great mother-son bonding time and I pray it’s all you hope it is. And most of all… “just a mom” with “just a kid” going to do an all-american boy thing. Baseball. It represents everything normal, happy and all-american to me. Hope this become one of those memories for Ryley of the cool things he got to do with mom. Have fun!!!!!

  3. Donna, You are right. It isn’t fair. And we shouldn’t have to apologize for expressing how we feel. Nothing good will come from pretending that these feelings are not a part of us …. that these thoughts are not there …. Because they are … And they are real… And they *need* to be not only heard …But *UNDERSTOOD*! I hope that you and Ryley have a fantastic time at the ballpark!!! I like Bruce better than Happy too. Welcome to your new addition. Hugs!

  4. Welcome Bruce!!! We have no pets, and I like it that way, but sometimes I really do want a dog. It’s just hard enough to keep after the kids and hubby let alone a pet. However, Kudos to you for not wanting that little guy to be put down. I find myself often trying to explain comments I make when people talk about how horrible child birth was… or how horrible it was to deal with the first week home… with a healthy baby. Now I just don’t explain, and I don’t feel as though I should have to, nor should I have to apologize. Hugs and Take Care! Amy

  5. Hi Donna, First off, we are big baseball fans as well and Matt insisted we tape the Mets game this afternoon because he isn’t home. So hope your A’s beat the Yankees because we’re die hard Met fans. Secondly, no don’t you date apologize for feeling the way you do! It is part of healing and you go rant and rave as much as you want! Congrats on Bruce! I, too, want a puppy but the whole thing about going on vaca and what to do with him has stopped us! Enjoy the zoo over there. Oh, I have one of those hubbies too!! God bless em. One more thing, I so enjoyed chatting with you the other day, let’s do it again soon….. Hugs,

  6. Awww, it’s so rainy and soggy up here Donna – I hope you guys get a break and can enjoy the game. I LOVE BASEBALL TOO! I’m not a huge A’s fan though, nor a Giants fan, I’m a cubbies fan – luckily we get WGN so I can see some games. I can really relate to what you say – so often when ppl find out that our daughter was early they act simply amazed that we made it through it, and start to treat us differently, like we’re so strong, like we’re heroes. I AM NO HERO, my daughter is the hero. I just tagged along, hoping and praying that it would all work out. I actually feel embarassed sometimes when people treat us this way – having a full term baby is not easy and is no guarantee, so shouldn’t all mommies be treated equally? I don’t know, this may be too deep for my brain today. I get it Donna, I know where you’re coming from – you are not negative to feel this way. You’re human. Hugs,

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