My brain is completely scattered today, so bear with me.
First, to catch you up on our weekend….I think I have completely lost my mind. My house is a zoo……three kids, two dogs, two cats, fish, a wonderful husband who does not know how to finish projects or clean up after himself…..constant insanity and chaos. We got a call Friday night from one of Michael’s employees. “Do you want a puppy?” WHAT? In a convoluted manner, this employee knew of a puppy that was going to go to the pound unless they found a home for him. UGH! I think I’ve said before in the Cafe that I simply cannot watch Animal Cops on Animal Planet. It has left me in tears more often than I can recall…I just can’t stand the thought of animals suffering in any way (same things happens with kids or old people). Can’t stand the thought of a healthy, precious puppy being put down because no one wanted him. Bring on the puppy. He arrived yesterday…..the cutest buff cocker spaniel, 7 month old puppy. I honestly think my husband even thought of it because he wants to take my mind off wanting another baby!!! the puppy arrived with the name “Happy” but was quickly rechristened Bruce. He is so cute. I know he would have been adopted if he had been taken to the pound, but I wasn’t taking any chances. So now we have three dogs, three kids, two cats, fish, and a husband who still doesn’t know how to finish projects of clean up after himself. I live in a zoo.
NEXT!!!!! Today is one of my favorite days of the entire year…..OPENING DAY of baseball season!!!! Honestly, I cannot express how much I love this sport. There is NOTHING like being at the ballpark on a warm summer day, hot dogs and cool beverages in hand. Ryley and I are flying up to the Bay Area to hopefully watch the A’s take on the Yankees. It’s raining up there now, and it’s supposed to continue all day, so there may not be a game to see. Ryley is so excited to fly and go to a “big, huge ballpark!”….so cute!
And there it is again…..Ryley’s song playing on the radio streaming onto my computer. I hear those first few notes, and my heart freezes, then beats insanely fast…….Amazing how a few sounds can take you back in time. That’s the other thing that’s been on my mind over the weekend. First came the thought-provoking quote on my t-shirt, then an email from a friend. And I’m right back where I was five and a half years ago. Praying and hoping my son will be okay. Asking “why?” to a God who had given me so much up to that point. Why did this happen to us? Are we somehow more blessed because we could endure this? I don’t remember signing up for this anywhere along the way. Did I need to somehow be tested? Did I need to prove my strength to anyone? I don’t always feel this negatively about all of it. Usually, I try and find the good in Ryley’s premature birth and NICU stay. But sometimes, those hurts are just too much to take. For some reason I don’t know, we were lucky…..I don’t know what else to call it. Lucky doesn’t even sound right. I feel guilty for even thinking it. We were able to bring our baby home. We have a relatively healthy 5 year old. I don’t know why, I don’t know how. But there are still scars. There are still hurts. And there are heartbreaks that some of my best friends endured the same and worse. There are heartbreaks that my friends’ children became angels, that they wear “hearings”, that they are housebound for six months of the year, that they have diagnosis that haven’t even been acknowledged yet. There are heartbreaks that these tiny, precious beings suffer more than I would ever want to, more than I ever could handle. There are heartbreaks that these babies have to be “heroes.” Why are we, as parents of preemies and/or babies with birth defects, considered so “strong” or “patient” or “enduring” when all we want to do is cry out or breakdown?
I would apologize for being negative. But I’m not sorry. Sometimes, we have to go through this. It’s part of healing. It’s a normal progression.
See, scattered. Sorry that was so long…….I’m not even sure I got it out the way I was thinking and feeling it.