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Why now?

Sometimes I truly don’t get myself. I am 8 days away from being home full-time with the munchkins. I have been taking all three kids to one form of daycare or another, off and on, for five years. Why is it getting harder?

Ethan cried all the way to daycare today. “no play Phia (no play with Sophia)” he cried and cried and cried. It broke my heart. As we’re walking up, he’s just crying and saying no, desperately clinging to me. We walked in and he won’t let go…..He just keep saying “upppeez Momma, uppeez” and doing the sign for “go”…..I finally refocused his attention to the Thomas toys (his current favorite), and was able to get away. I was so sad as I walked to my car…..what is his day like? What does he think of being with someone else all day? I’m not in any way making a statement on working moms or the necessary childcare that goes along with working…….I’ve been in this position from the beginning. I just don’t get why this is so hard NOW?

Ryley and Grace have nearly always had each other. Ryley only went to daycare by himself for nine months. Then Gracie joined him. He doesn’t remember going anywhere by himself. I think that’s made it easier on Ryley and Grace to have had each other always there – easier to see me walk out the door to go to work, knowing their sibling was still there. Ethan hasn’t had that luxury. I think that’s made him more aware of mom leaving, and made him more clingy when I drop him off. And it’s making me really sad. Sometimes I wish Ethan had a sibling close to him like Ryley and Grace have with each other. We’re definitely “done” though, and my brain SPINS at the thought of having another set 12 months apart from each other. I wonder if he’ll ever be jealous of what Grace and Ryley have. They are so close……..My heart completely fills up whenever I see Ryley and Ethan playing with each other or doing anything together. I see the brother bond start to emerge and I worry less. But this daycare thing has really gotten to me the past few weeks.

I’m sorry this is so scattered. You know how you think about what you want to write, and then when you start to write, it just doesn’t come out the way you’d planned? Yep, that’s me today.

8 thoughts on “Why now?

  1. Oh Donna! I am sorry you are having such a difficult time lately. Maybe it is just an indication that right now you are making the right decision for all of you. I know you are excited about being home again …Perhaps your kids *feel* this excitement too … and probably hear you talking about it. Maybe they think that time should *already* be here. What I *do* know is …. You are a great mom … with a big heart …. and so much love for your family. That builds bridges and changes worlds. HUGS! Hang in there! Let the countdown begin!!!!! Melissa

  2. Donna, I’m sure being so close to being at home full-time is adding to your daily stressors of him acting this way, knowing it’s so close, yet so far away! I’m with Melissa…YOU are a great mom…and your kids know how great you are & I’m sure are excited about you being home full-time, and maybe all of this is stemming from that!! Hang in there, sweetie, 8 days & counting!! Big party when it’s all done and you’re at home full-time (so jealous!) Hugs, love, and angel kisses,
    Sharlene

  3. I know what you are going through. Jaden has been being really clingy lately when I drop him off and he is 4. He begs me to stay home or asks if he can go to his grandmas.
    I am planning to quit my job after this baby comes and will be able to stay home with them. Financially not sure how it will work out but…we will figure it out. I am relieved to be quitting my job. It is hard to get myself and 3 kids ready. Rad is not home to help (he works 12am-8am) so I am exhausted by the time I even get to work. Sorry.. I kind of went off an a tangent. Only eight more days…then you will get to be a stay at home mom. Yeah!!!!
    Stacie

  4. 8 more days and you’re home free!! Wooohooooo. (Or should I say home bound??)
    I was this way when our new babysitter started…and the kids were home. Leighton would cry the night before, begging for her not to be there when she woke up the next morning. Emerson HATED her – although now she’s really warmed up. I think kids just go through things like me do – and maybe he senses all the changes that are going on.
    Won’t be long now! Denise

  5. Oh, I’m sorry Donna! I know how hard it must be to leave poor Ethan like that. A very unsettling feeling I’m sure. You’re almost there though sweetie. Just hang on a bit longer. I’m here if you need a shoulder. We never stop worry about them, do we? Love and Hugs, Donna

  6. I can only imagine how heartbreaking this must be. I have to agree with all the other wise Moms who have replied before me. I’m going to guess he’s just picking up on the anxiousness (is that a word?) of your entire home. He can’t really grasp the concept of time.. so he thinks when you say you’ll be home.. then you should be home. Just hang in there! It’s almost here.. and then you won’t have to say good-bye unless you are ready too! Hugs!
    Karri

  7. Donna, Your blog really speaks to me on many levels, as you know I’ve been whining about having to go back to work and therefore putting D in daycare. Thankfully she can’t speak yet so when the day comes for me to leave her (ugh, that hurts to even write) at least all she will do is cry. Heck, she might not even do that, I’m sure I’ll sit in the car and boo hoo. You’re so close to the finish line though, you’ve earned this time home with your kids. Hugs,
    Sam

  8. I am so sorry that it has been difficult for the both of you. I hope that things get better soon. Have you ever tried to see if you could stay a day to see what it is like? I don’t know if you have done that or not but maybe it will help you in dealing with this. Angi “Phoenix’s Mom”

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