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It’s out there

I know it’s only July, but September is out there looming, just waiting around the corner. September used to just mean playoff races in baseball, the new football season, Fall shopping, back to school……I will never be able to look at September the same way again. The end of summer always brings the memories and fears back to me. September 6th was the day I was admitted to the hospital, bleeding from an abruption and in premature labor at 23 weeks and 4 days.

There is a song out called Wake Me Up When September Ends. That’s kind of the way I feel sometimes. I just want that month to be over……that month with all the memories, that month when I am plagued with guilt and fear, that month that I can’t escape what prematurity has done to my son and to me and to my family. Most of the time, we are able to rejoice in Ryley and the miracle that he is. He has come ever so far. He runs, he plays, he sings, he does well in preschool, he drives me insane with his almost -six -year- old antics, he simply lights up my life. But in September, the asthma medications he takes everyday become a burden and a reminder of what my body was not able to do. In September, the potty issues become even weightier as another birthday passes and we still struggle to stop the accidents. In September those pains in his knee arise once again and I am fearful that it is somehow a result of his early birth. It’s not that these fears never affect me any other month of the year, but in September, I face them with heavier heart. In September, the fear and other emotions win the battle.

When we emerge from September every year, another birthday has passed for Ryley. We have made it through another year. We are one more year away from that fateful day, and I can take another deep breath. I can see the joy and miracle that is my son. I can push those fears and hurts back a bit, to that corner of my heart and that room in my mind, hidden away to pop out occasionally, waiting impatiently for another September to come.

While September is nearly two months away, I know it is coming. I know it is waiting for me. Every year, I hope I will escape. I pray that this will be the year I will stop counting down the hours and the days, that I will get through each day without remembering that this happened at this minute of this day, this disaster was averted at this hour of this day, and that at this minute of this day, my tiny 14-week-early son was born, and our journey began.

7 thoughts on “It’s out there

  1. Oh Donna, I can relate – June is that way for me. Unfortunately my birthday is like that, because for me that’s when my body gave out and my little girl began a long long road that she shouldn’t have had to travel. But you know what, even though I started to panic and freak out right before, I thought to myself that June 17, however scary it was, is still a wonderful day. It is the day that my journey began as well, my journey to help others get through, deal with and kick the snot out of prematurity. It is the day that led me to make many wonderful friends who understand and know me, without having ever seen my face. It is the day I put my boxing gloves on and told death to hit the road. Please know that as you go through September I am here, and willing to lend you my boxing gloves should you need them. You are such a wonderful mother, friend and human being, and your son Ryley is a precious, amazing little boy. Big hugs,

  2. February for me… it’s so full of emotion!! I can feel your pain, smell that fear.. and understand just what you are saying. I’m here for you.. we’re here for you!! Hugs to calm you.. to comfort you! Love and hugs,

  3. February for me too is full of so much emotion. Each year it is hard, but each year I also rejoice (much they way you are) in what new things are around the corner. We’ll be here as September get closer. Keep blogging about it, that seems to help. -Shonda

  4. Donna, Oh Sweetie! I hear the devastation of September caressing each word … dwelling in each pause between letters … tearing up at each punctuation mark. I feel how very difficult it is for you, but only because I understand. When June comes …. my heart is jolted into a surreal reality that I want to change too. What a beautiful letter describing this part of your journey. Keep it. File it away or scrap it. And read it 10 years from now. Let Ryley read it. And rejoice in what is … cry for what was lost … always remembering the incredible strength, love, and hope that resides in your heart — in your spirit —- to grow your precious boy into a man. Hugs!

  5. Donna,
    I don’t know the right words to say, for I haven’t came up on Lesleys first year yet, but in reading your words I can hear the anxiety. Just remember, thats why were here… to try and put an end to this craziness!

  6. Donna –
    I think all of us have those “times” when memories collide….and we relive those moments – those preemie moments. I pray that sometime September won’t hurt you like it does right now – maybe someday Ryley will get married in September – or have his own child in September – and that will make the month have good vibes for you. Just know you are such a great mom – and he loves you for it. Rejoice in your miracle man! Denise

  7. September is bad for me as well. It must not be a good month. I know that you have a lot of worries but your not alone. We are all here for you. I will be thinking of you as this month approaches. Angi “Phoenix’s MoM’

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