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I remember

I blogged a couple of weeks ago about the coming of September and what that means to me. I can’t help it….I feel it coming and the anxiety begins. I know that once I get to Ryley’s birthday, I will be ready to celebrate the day, his life, and how far we’ve come, but it’s the getting there that is so difficult. Every day brings the memories and reminders. Every day I think about what might have been, and what should have been. The guilt and pain can be overwhelming at times. Not long ago, many of us wrote “Imagine” poems about our children. With September just around the corner, with the memories flooding back, I have been remembering things in snippets…..little flashes of the smallest details. They woke me up at 2:30 the other night, flooding my mind in a mini-movie that played over and over again.

I remember…..the shock, the stop of my heart when I saw blood on the toilet paper.

I remember….sitting on the edge of the couch, trying not to get blood on it, as I called my doctor to find out what to do (I find it amusing now that I took the time to call my doctor to ask what to do at this point and I feel like a complete idiot for doing so. It wouldn’t have changed the outcome, but DUH!)

I remember… the looks on the faces of a couple of people in the ER as I stood there with blood running down my leg and onto the floor.

I remember……apologizing to the ER tech for getting blood on the floor (as if no one else had ever done that in the ER – again, DUH)

I remember….I wouldn’t take off my shirt and put on the hospital gown before getting into the bed to be strapped into the monitors. I think I thought I was just going to be sent home, no longer pregnant so why take the time to put a gown on?

I remember…..somehow being proud of the fact that the transfer from one hospital to the other (because the first one “couldn’t take care of a 23 weeker”) was my first ambulance ride.

I remember…..my toe nail polish matched exactly the color of the blanket on my hospital bed.

I remember…the feeling of fire in my veins as the magnesium sulfate coursed through them.

I remember….being superstitous about everything – If I did this or didn’t do that, then the bleeding would stop.

I remember…..being alone more than I have ever been alone in my life.

I remember…..hearing babies cry in the night. Why do they put antepartum moms in the same hallway as post-partum moms with their babies?

I remember….food coming at me constantly. After losing 8 lbs in 5 days, everyone was one me to put it back on in a big hurry, which meant CONSTANT food.

I remember…my night nurse apologizing for waking me to take vitals, and especially for changing iv’s.

I remember…..my horror of a day nurse telling me that I could have it worse, I could be practically standing on my head like the mom two doors down from me was doing and to stop feeling sorry for myself.

I remember…..watching ALL of the televised Olympics, every Rosie, every Today show, and every Oprah for 16 days.

I remember…..the feeling of hairy legs that hadn’t been shaved in nearly two weeks, and I remember not really caring.

I remember…..feeling again like I was on fire, only this time it was from the fever that raged to 104 from the staph infection I got from an iv line.

I remember….hearing that impossibly tiny cry right before Ryley was intubated.

I remember….crying when I couldn’t leave the hospital until they could figure out how to take care of my staph infection over the next four weeks, and get approval from the insurance company.

I remember…my arms looking like I had been beaten with a stick from the many tries to get a picc line in.

I remember….the late afternoon Fall air as I finally left the hospital.

There are too many things to remember. I know over the next few weeks, they will come back to me at odd times. They will remind me of all that happened to us, that nightmare first of 2 1/2 weeks before Ryley came, and then the 93 days that followed. I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up on his birthday, when I’m ready to celebrate and am somewhat past all this remembering.

7 thoughts on “I remember

  1. I also remember all of those details. Sometimes I feel bad about them and sometimes I feel good about them because it just shows how far we have all come! I hope Ryley is well! Crystal

  2. Donna, I’m here for ya my friend, with big hugs, a gallon of chocolate ice cream with extra fudge and a good movie. We’ll get you through this time and before you know it October will be knocking. FYI, I was on bed rest for 16 days before Daisy was born as well. I remember my hairy legs and actually took great pleasure in knowing they probably looked really gross. Hey, you take pleasure in the things you can. You may have felt alone then, but you aren’t now. Big hugs,

  3. Donna, You’re not alone as you face all these memories that hurt so much. I’m here.. we’re here with you. You do not have to be alone any more!! As you remember all those horrible times… also remember.. the sound of Ryley’s heartbeat each time they monitored him during your 2 1/2 weeks of bedrest. Remember all those little kicks in the ribs he gave you!! Remember his sweet little eyes.. looking at you each time you visited.. and the feel of his tender skin. The bad memories are there.. and will never go away. I’m sorry this is such a difficult time for you.. Jan/Feb are those days for me!! I understand and will hold your hand as you move forward! Much Love and Hugs!

  4. Oh, I do so remember those days…this time last year…8 weeks on hospital bed rest…I remember every single detail. But boy, was it worth it to have my little Lily Grace. Funny, last week I blogged about my 5 minute showers and shaving my legs. LOL You son loves you for enduring all that and so much more for him. ~Jaclyn~

  5. You *survived* to have Ryley. How incredible is that? You survived! As you mentioned before …. you easily could have died …. But through the grace of God, the wonders of technology, and your amazing spirit … you survived to hear Ryley’s tiny mew and combat your own illness. HUGS! That is extraordinary. Relive …. Feel … Reflect on these unchangeable moments that forever changed your life. You should. But, also …. think about it this way …. You loved your son enough to endure so much …. in order to look into his eyes for the very first time .. and say, “I love you” … What a testament to motherhood. HUGS! Love ya! Melissa

  6. Hi Donna, It’s amazing what will trigger all these memories flooding back. I think it’s inevitable and I don’t think these memories will ever leave you. But I think reflecting on them gives you such an appreciation for how far you, Ryley and your family have come together! I’m sorry you are hurting right now, sweetie! We are all here for you and you have an amazing story to tell. You’ve inspired me, just think of how many others you’ve inspired along the way! Hugs, Donna

  7. Oh Donna, I truly enjoyed your blog today! I remember so many of the same things, and wonder why any of us had to endure it. My thoughts are with you my dear friend, as your days approach. For the record, I laughed at you apologizing for the blood in the ER floor. I apologized to the labor for not being able to shave my own legs……..for three months. She smiled, said don’t worry about it, and “it happens ALL the time.” -Shonda

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