I blogged a couple of weeks ago about the coming of September and what that means to me. I can’t help it….I feel it coming and the anxiety begins. I know that once I get to Ryley’s birthday, I will be ready to celebrate the day, his life, and how far we’ve come, but it’s the getting there that is so difficult. Every day brings the memories and reminders. Every day I think about what might have been, and what should have been. The guilt and pain can be overwhelming at times. Not long ago, many of us wrote “Imagine” poems about our children. With September just around the corner, with the memories flooding back, I have been remembering things in snippets…..little flashes of the smallest details. They woke me up at 2:30 the other night, flooding my mind in a mini-movie that played over and over again.
I remember…..the shock, the stop of my heart when I saw blood on the toilet paper.
I remember….sitting on the edge of the couch, trying not to get blood on it, as I called my doctor to find out what to do (I find it amusing now that I took the time to call my doctor to ask what to do at this point and I feel like a complete idiot for doing so. It wouldn’t have changed the outcome, but DUH!)
I remember… the looks on the faces of a couple of people in the ER as I stood there with blood running down my leg and onto the floor.
I remember……apologizing to the ER tech for getting blood on the floor (as if no one else had ever done that in the ER – again, DUH)
I remember….I wouldn’t take off my shirt and put on the hospital gown before getting into the bed to be strapped into the monitors. I think I thought I was just going to be sent home, no longer pregnant so why take the time to put a gown on?
I remember…..somehow being proud of the fact that the transfer from one hospital to the other (because the first one “couldn’t take care of a 23 weeker”) was my first ambulance ride.
I remember…..my toe nail polish matched exactly the color of the blanket on my hospital bed.
I remember…the feeling of fire in my veins as the magnesium sulfate coursed through them.
I remember….being superstitous about everything – If I did this or didn’t do that, then the bleeding would stop.
I remember…..being alone more than I have ever been alone in my life.
I remember…..hearing babies cry in the night. Why do they put antepartum moms in the same hallway as post-partum moms with their babies?
I remember….food coming at me constantly. After losing 8 lbs in 5 days, everyone was one me to put it back on in a big hurry, which meant CONSTANT food.
I remember…my night nurse apologizing for waking me to take vitals, and especially for changing iv’s.
I remember…..my horror of a day nurse telling me that I could have it worse, I could be practically standing on my head like the mom two doors down from me was doing and to stop feeling sorry for myself.
I remember…..watching ALL of the televised Olympics, every Rosie, every Today show, and every Oprah for 16 days.
I remember…..the feeling of hairy legs that hadn’t been shaved in nearly two weeks, and I remember not really caring.
I remember…..feeling again like I was on fire, only this time it was from the fever that raged to 104 from the staph infection I got from an iv line.
I remember….hearing that impossibly tiny cry right before Ryley was intubated.
I remember….crying when I couldn’t leave the hospital until they could figure out how to take care of my staph infection over the next four weeks, and get approval from the insurance company.
I remember…my arms looking like I had been beaten with a stick from the many tries to get a picc line in.
I remember….the late afternoon Fall air as I finally left the hospital.
There are too many things to remember. I know over the next few weeks, they will come back to me at odd times. They will remind me of all that happened to us, that nightmare first of 2 1/2 weeks before Ryley came, and then the 93 days that followed. I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up on his birthday, when I’m ready to celebrate and am somewhat past all this remembering.