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The grief of an imperfect birth

I was talking the other day with a very good friend about the grief of a premature birth, after another mommy here blogged about the pain she was feeling that day. Sometimes I am able to forget about that pain – we are nearly six years away from that time – but then it will come back to haunt me at various moments, often surprising me in its strength even years later.

When Ryley was born, I went to another place. I don’t even know what that place is called. Some might call it “survival mode”. I don’t even know that we were surviving. For five days, my son was a photo by my bed, and images on a 2 x 2 screen that my husband brought to me every night. I was dealing with my own personal reality of still being in the hospital with a life-threatening infection, pumping every three hours, wanting nothing more than to get out and see my son and go home. When I did finally get “out”, I started the daily routine of spending hours at the hospital by Ryley’s isolette and eventual open crib, praying for his life, bargaining with God, pumping, crying, writing, embroidering, reading, watching, learning, and doing as much as I could to be part of my son’s care. When people commented on my “strength”, I pushed it aside. I didn’t feel strong. I don’t know what I felt. I just did. We did what we had to do. I didn’t think about it…..I guess I never even thought about it being any other way at that point.

When Ryley finally came home, I still didn’t “feel”, didn’t grieve. We were then caught up in being parents of a fragile child – follow-up care, regular pediatrician visits, home-nurse visits, exercises, still more pumping, and just getting used to having a child. VERY shortly after that, we found out we were (unexpectedly) pregnant again, and the ride started all over again. Less than a year after Grace’s blessedly full-term birth, we moved, and then moved again when our house was finished being built. And then, another pregnancy. Have you caught your breath at all? That’s kind of how I felt. Our life was on fast-forward. It’s not that I didn’t ever stop to marvel at my son, and it’s definitely not that I never thought about his early arrival, but I hadn’t had time to come up for air. We were still in that kind-of-survival mode, just going about our lives as we were given them.

Almost a year after Ethan was born (and he was done nursing and he was sleeping through the night), our lives started to settle down. I started looking back, I started thinking. We came out of our bubble, and I started to grieve. And I started to cry. I cried for what we had. I cried for the three months of pregnancy that I had lost, the 93 days Ryley had spent in the NICU instead of inside me, and all the time spent worrying, wondering, hoping, as well as all the time in dr’s offices, with the nurse, doing therapy exercises and so on. Even two full-term, healthy pregnancies did not take away what I had lost with Ryley. Two babies I brought home from the hospital with me did not take away the pain of watching my son through a plastic wall for so long. And by then, over four years had not taken away the grief, the guilt, and the pain of Ryley’s premature birth.

There is no time limit on grief. And the pain of an imperfect birth, while it does lessen in time, does not ever completely go away. I am – I don’t even know how to properly term it – I have a survivor who is thriving to no end. For that I am eternally grateful. But I still hurt, still occasionally feel guilty, for Ryley’s premature arrival and all he had to endure because of it. I logically know that I did nothing wrong. But my mother’s heart will always wonder those “what-if’s” and “maybe’s”. If your child was just recently born, you may feel yourself in that “survival mode” where you are just doing each day. You may be a few months out and wonder when you will be “through it”, or you may be years beyond that imperfect birth, but you will still need to grieve, and that process is inside out, upside down, backwards, forwards and sideways.

6 thoughts on “The grief of an imperfect birth

  1. ITS FUNNY HOW I WAS JUST FEELING THE SAME THING…MY SON IS 11 MONTHS OLD AND I THINK THAT IM JUST STARTING NOW TO GRIEVE, HAVEN’T RELLY HAD THE TIME OR ENERGY. I STILL FEEL IN THE WORLDWIND. YOUR STORY IS SO TRUE. THANK YOU

  2. Survival mode….I think we all live in it for at least a moment dealing with the birth of our premature babies. It helps us cope…somehow. I hope you have gotten to reflect and slow down a bit. Crystal

  3. Wow Donna! I feel like I am in a whirlwind too. I moved to a new state with no family or friends. Then a week later I gave birth to 23 weeker Zaria. I spent the next four months visiting the hospital and trying to adapt to a new place where I felt so alone. Now that I am pregnant and on bedrest, I have time to think about what I have been through the past two years. I have felt guilt, anger and sadness. Sometimes I even feel selfish for getting pregnant again (especially since I am on bedrest), because Zaria demands so much of my attention.
    Thanks for sharing this Donna, it really hit home. God Bless,
    Candice

  4. Donna –
    I don’t think it matters how many years out from the birth you are…you still remember like it was yesterday. You might have days and weeks that go by that you don’t relive it – but there are STILL moments when you go back to that place. I imagine that’s totally normal. Thank God we all have that survival mode – it comes in pretty handy doesn’t it? Hugs!
    Denise

  5. Donna, So true…. I actually think that I CREATED a whirwind around me because I didn’t know what else to do. I went back to work ONE WEEK after Maddox was born. He was in the NICU in the hopital where I am employeed so I went ahead and went back to work. At the time, I said that I did it because I didn’t want to waste all of my maternity leave while Maddox was in the NICU…and to a degree, that was true…but keeping my mind occupied was the only thing getting me through. I didn’t sleep. I sat next to his isolette all night. Everyone told me that I was so strong, too. They asked me how I maintained my schedule. How I worked 5 days after giving birth. Really? It’s the only way I knew to survive. I am still grieveing his early arrival, and I am glad that I am not alone! Thanks for sharing that,
    Diane

  6. Donna, Somehow we are on the same sort of timeline here – I remember writing in my journal (and on here) that when Daisy was in the hospital I just wanted to make it through. Sure I cried, but I never really went through the entire grieving process. I’m finding now, a year later, that I am still angry inside about it. That I never really had a chance to get ticked off. I’m telling you, I wish prematurity had a face so I could smash it in. My husband pointed out how much of my “goofy, care-free” self has even now in hiding, and I must work on bringing that self back. A little wiser, but still willing to smile and look at things in a positive light. Your blog really hit home with me today. Love,
    Sam

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