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Remembering the beginning of the journey

The day has come. I knew it was coming. I felt it. This time of year always brings that feeling back – that trepidation, that anticipation, that anxiety. Except for wanting to celebrate a certain Share member’s birthday today, I could skip completely past today and not miss it at all. I guess you could actually apply that to the next two and a half weeks. So bear with me, please. I may not be as cheery and full of humor as normal. I am trying to stay out of the funk. It helps knowing you are all here, knowing what I am going through, and caring and giving so much.

I wonder if I will ever be able to wake up on the sixth of September and NOT think about what day it is, NOT remember what happened on this day six years ago, NOT feel the guilt and pain of remembering. Six years…..a long time, but then again not. Still not long enough to NOT remember.

Six years ago today – and it was even a Wednesday like today – our nightmare began. At a little after 6pm, a simple trip to the bathroom turned to a fear I’ve never felt before. An act that should have been normal changed my life when I saw blood and was sure, so sure in my heart, that my baby was dead. I didn’t even know this tiny person yet, other than the comforting kicks and rolls that I frequently felt, but yet he was mine – my child – and my fear for his life was as real then as it is today. Six years ago today, I found out what real panic was. My brain took a vacation – I couldn’t think. I can’t believe even now that I took the time to call the doctor’s after hour services and more time to wait for him to call me back, and even more time to call my husband a couple of times in between. Would it have really made a difference? No, not in the grand scheme of things. But still…..who does that? I know I’m not the only one who did it that way, but now I could just kick myself for even bothering. And what kind of doctor tells his bleeding, 23 week and 4 days pregnant patient to DRIVE HERSELF in rush hour traffic, 45 minutes back to the hospital that he had rights at?!!!!!! See, some anger is still there, six years later. Again, would it have made a difference at that point? Probably not. That hospital didn’t have any more capability of “handling” a 23 weeker than the hospital I ended up at that day.

Six years……..I am thankful that my son is alive today, and is doing so well. I am thankful that we were able to hold off his birth for 2 1/2 weeks past this fateful day. I am thankful that his prematurity actually gave me more purpose and a mission in my life, and that it brought me to all of you. But today I remember the beginning, and it still hurts.

9 thoughts on “Remembering the beginning of the journey

  1. Donna –
    It’s been 5 years for me – and I can vouch for the fact that while it gets easier…it still sits there…festering until the anniversaries arrive. Then you are taken back to that moment in time when your life was forever changed. Hugs to you as you relive the memories –
    Denise

  2. This is a hard time for me also. Every time I write lately the hurt hits me harder. Yesterday they had to draw blood for Gavin’s thyroid tests and he was crying and I suddenly felt this ovewhelming sense that I wanted to cry with him. Cry for all that he had been through. No matter how long it has been…I’m not sure it ever gets easier. Thinking of you today and the next couple of weeks,
    Crystal

  3. Oh Donna, I am so sorry! June 18th is my day, the day after my birthday of all things. I don’t think mommies of premature babies every forget this day. My hope is that deep down, after time goes by, that although we may never forget what happened, we can forgive. Forgive ourselves and let the guilt go. I am here for you always. Sam

  4. Dearest Donna, What a hard anniversary! It’s almost like if you could go back and just yell at someone for one moment, things would be different. I’m sorry the anger and the hurt is still there but I hope as you write about it, the anger will free a bit more from you. You have come such a long way as a mother, your children are truly blessed. Hugs, Donna

  5. Oh sweetie.. I know this is hard. I know those feelings, and I understand how they come back. Melissa and I were just talking yesterday. We both believe these feelings will never go away. Our lives, your life, has been shaped by the events that happened this day, six years ago. I’m here for you, always. Just a phone call away. You don’t have to be alone anymore. Love and Hugs,
    Karri

  6. My sweet dearheart, Donna, First thank you for the mention. But certainly feel no obligation for celebratory moods on my behalf. *hugs* You are sweet. You mentioedn all the good things prematurity has brought you – friendship here, mission and purpose… but we would all give this up if it meant a healthy child and a perfect birth story. It may be part of who you are, who Ryley is… but it certainly isn’t an easy story. Thinking of you during your emotional trip down memory lane. *hugs* Darcy

  7. Remembering that day is too much sometimes but the anniversary still comes. I am thinking of you on these hard days. What kind of doctor was that anyway? I would be angry too. Angi “Phoenix’s mom”

  8. While you may now look at Ryley in amazement, as you indulge yourself in the joy of his every breath; the pain and anger that you felt that day seems to always loom with you. It has only been 2 years for me, but I know that I will never forget in the many years to come. Candice

  9. I’m reliving all those memories right now…this time last year I was on bedrest after a horrible bleed as well. 13 mores days until Lily Grace’s 1st birthday…the memories are starting to be scary but my sense of humor brings out the best memories…the fun memories as well. I’m thinking of you…we do have a purpose and mission…if only it didn’t have to be by ways of prematurity. ~Jaclyn~

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