One of my goals for this new year is to write in my journal more. Sure I blog here, and I try to get a few entries here and there in my kids’ journals, but I really haven’t written for myself in a very long time. I used to be an avid journal-writer, writing almost everyday. A blank page still makes my hand itch to fill it with my written word. Not many of my entries were that life-changing or enlightening, but it has always helped me to write out my feelings, turn off my brain and just let the thoughts flow unhindered out through my hand. My life and my words may not mean much out there in the world, but they are important to me. And I’m so glad I have them.
After I wrote last night, I started to look back. This particular book was started before Michael and I got married. There is quite a bit in there about getting ready for marriage, then buying our new house, and our journey to get pregnant. It was not easy to read many of the entries. I found in looking back that I must have kept a lot of the negative feelings I may have had inside, only letting them out in my journal. It is full of hope, but also full of fear, anxiety, unfulfillment, dissatisfaction with myself, and didn’t show much confidence in my capabilities as a wife, mother, friend, employee, or sister. It was eye-opening to go back through it. I realize not only how much my life has changed in the past nine years, but how far I have come in accepting myself. My life is very far from perfect. I am very far from perfect, but I am happier. I have a wonderful marriage (though it too is not perfect), three beautiful children (VERY far from perfect), amazing family, wonderful friends. I have a good life. And I am so very thankful that in spite of all that negatively and pessimism, I was brought through and out of all that into the world I now live in.
We struggled so much with fertility – now I have three precious babies. Ryley was born so early – now, I have a healthy, active six year old boy who you’d never know came into this world 14 weeks early. I didn’t want to move away from my family and friends – now I am probably closer to much of my family than I was before, and have met some incredible people who have so touched my life. I hated my job but was afraid of change – I am now blessed to be home most of the time with my babies and work part time at a job I enjoy at a company I really like. What a blessed, beautiful life I have.
My journal may still have a lot of negative entries. My fears and doubts may still come out on that blank page. But now I know I am so lucky, so blessed, and not half as bad as I ever may have thought I was.