Do you ever have the feeling that something in you is just, well, off? There’s something not quite right but you can’t seem to completely grasp what it is?
We’ve been busy. Sports, homework, household projects, volunteer activities, and just regular life making me feel like I’m spinning constantly. I’ve been tired and in a funk. I’ve really been trying to figure the funk out for the past few days. And then I saw the dates…..This time last year, I was waiting for the call….the call that would tell me my sister was gone, her suffering and pain at an end. Tomorrow, it will be a year since she passed. Sometimes, I think our hearts and souls know what’s going on before our brains do. That’s the best I can explain what I’ve been feeling lately. This underlying sadness breaking through like a wave, grief and tears for all our family has lost pouring over every moment.
Debby was a fighter. Her best weapon was her laughter and her will to see the best in everything and everyone. I miss her smile. I miss her emails boldly pointing out how many days left until Christmas (which she usually started sending out in March). I miss her smartass comments. I miss her stories. I miss her love and support when I felt like the worst mom in the world. I miss her.
A year goes by quickly. But some days, when the memories overwhelm and the pain cuts sharply, moments seem to last forever. I know she wouldn’t want me to think about the bad things….the saying goodbye, the pain she endured, the way cancer stole her life from her and from us. She was always about the positive. That was just her way. But there are moments when I just have to give in and cave to the hurt of her being gone. Today is one of those days.
Grief is a strange thing. I used to think it was a linear path on which you kept moving forward. I’ve learned it’s a lot more like the proverbial rollercoaster…up, down, forwards, backwards, upside down, and sometimes just spinning in circles. Today, I feel like I’ve circled back to the very beginning. But I’m pretty sure I’ll hear her voice in my head at some point today telling me to “be a brave girl”, smile for her, count the days until Christmas, hug my babies, and keep going.