The year I dreaded may have arrived….the year my oldest figures out the truth about Santa…..the year we start to lose a little bit of the magic of Christmas. Can you hear my heart breaking? He hasn’t said anything, but then again, he hasn’t said anything. There’s no response whatsoever to the threat of Santa watching behavior. He hasn’t even made his wish list yet. You know it’s coming, but there’s really no preparing for this moment. I’m weepy just thinking about it.
I was ten when I found out. I caught my parents setting up some toy or other during the night. I pretended not to know, but I cried myself to sleep that Christmas Eve. Ryley’s ten now, so I’ve expected it, but just didn’t want it to happen yet. He’s growing up too quickly as it is. Losing Santa just reinforces the fact he’s not a little boy anymore. I’m just praying he doesn’t say anything in front of the other two kids. I want to hang onto this as long as I can. I think with Ethan being just six, I have about four more years before our house is completely “in-the-know”. How sad will that day be?
I love Christmas. I always have. But for a while, it lost some of its luster…..those years between belief in Santa and having someone special to share Christmas with left me feeling half-empty. Having kids just made it so incredibly magical all over again. The looks on their faces, the joy in their eyes….I live for that. Ryley coming home from the hospital on Christmas Day made it miraculous. Yet I still dread the day when Santa is just a memory. I will have to learn to let go of that part of their childhood. I will have to accept they’re growing up. Losing Santa is one step closer to them being grown and gone.
I won’t say anything to Ryley yet. I’ll try not to even think about it until he says something. I can’t. What if he still does believe and I blow it for him? He hasn’t gotten to the eyeball-rolling stage, so I think I’m good. If he were doing that, I’d really know we’re in trouble. But I know my son, and this year, something is different. Something is gone. I see it on his face. I hope he isn’t sad like I was. I want him to still see how amazing Christmas is, Santa or no.