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Where’s the Manual?

I am having one of those days. Where is the parenting manual? I’m at a loss here.

We’ve had a decent couple of weeks with E. He’s been good at school. The anger outbursts have come less frequently. The frustration levels are manageable for the most part. I could quickly talk myself into believing he is just a pain in the butt who needs to be better-managed from the parenting end. Today, he is smiling and talkative. Have I made a bigger deal than there is?

When I think big-picture-Ethan, I know not. There isn’t one big part, but there are lots of little parts that add up. I’m just feeling defeated. I don’t know where to go next. Riding it out would be the easy road. Going to battle – much more difficult and daunting, especially when you’re feeling the lack of energy needed to face the battle.

Why are the answers so hard to find? Why do I feel like I’m searching in the dark? It shouldn’t be this hard to get my son the help he clearly needs. There should be a lit path parents are put on when their child gets this diagnosis. Or you should get a guide to lead you along the way. I feel as lost as I did when Ryley came home from the NICU. I know I’m not alone, but right now, I feel desperately that I need someone to hold my hand and pull me through this, walk with me step-by-step.

I know I need to become *that* parent. I have to do this for him. Today, I am drained and questioning myself, questioning the doctors, questioning the diagnosis. He deserves more than that from me. So where do I go now? What do I do now? I’m in need of a lifeline.

2 thoughts on “Where’s the Manual?

  1. So much to say about this post. If I were to rewind back to 2008 this could have been my blog post about my feelings with Rachel’s diagnosis.

    We’ll start with the easy one first. You are not alone! I’m here, not to pull you, but to walk with you as you learn a new language that describes E, but will never define him. Just like we learned that NICU language.

    As for finding the answers… those are hard to find. I’ll agree with that. I think I’ve learned that there is no one answer to any of this. Our kiddos are so unique in their diagnosis that one thing doesn’t “fix” this issue (maybe because it’s not fixable). Our kids aren’t cookies cut from the same “autism” mold. They may have some similarities, but they also will likely have just as many differences. For E.. you know him better than anyone – never forget that – no matter what! You know his triggers, and you know his motivators. As he grows you’ll learn new triggers and you’ll see others fade away. But *you* will always know.

    Drained? Yep, been there. Questioning all of it? Yep, been there too. Tiired of the fight? Been there too. It’s okay to be in all those places because our situations can and will be overwhelming some days. So feel what you need to feel. Acknowledge it. And then in a day or so you’ll be ready to do what you and only you do best… Be E’s best Momma!

    Love you, my friend.

  2. Okay, I suck compared to Karri, but I just wanted to say that I love you and I admire you and I kind of want to be as cool as you. I’m here to tell you a funny story when you need a giggle or send you bottles of wine when you need those too (especially since I sort of know the difference between red zinfandel and pink…I think)

    Hugs to you my beautiful friend! What doesn’t kill us makes us drink more.


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