Do you ever feel completely alone, even when you know you’re surrounded by people…friends, family, neighbors….? Have you ever emerged from a month of dealing with sick children or some other catastrophe and feel like you were no longer part of the conversation? Has it ever crossed your mind that somehow you were dumped in a play where you no longer knew the players much less the role you’re supposed to play? Yep, that’s where I am right now.
It’s an odd emotional state, realizing you’re lonely and feel alone even when you logically know you’re not. Maybe you feel it’s your fault…you decided to check out for awhile or circumstances pulled you away from “normal life.” Then when you’re ready to re-join, return from your cave, you find life has gone on without you and you wonder at your relevance. It’s happened a few times in my life, including now. It happened when I was admitted to the hospital before Ryley was born. It happened again after I returned to work from having Grace. It happened after Ethan was diagnosed last year and we started medications, therapies, and IEP meetings. Sometimes, dealing with your own stuff, your own emotionally-taxing happenings, you are distanced from everyone around you.
I know I have friends I can call, text, message, email, or get together with at any time. So why the feeling of being so alone? I know Michael is right beside me every step of dealing with all we’ve faced with our children and life. I know my family is not far. So why do I feel there’s a great chasm? I’m tired today. I’ve been beyond tired for the past month. Nothing new…I’m a mom to three children. Aren’t all moms tired? But the tiredness makes it harder to let things roll off. Worries seem greater. Stresses are more stressful. Small tasks seem insurmountable and beyond my abilities.
This will pass. It always has before. I’ll find the courage and strength to reinsert myself into the conversation and make my way back from this alone place. Emotions will be checked. Worries will become the small things they are. Tasks will be accomplished with ease and focus. And I won’t feel alone.