Home » Uncategorized » So far, and yet so far

So far, and yet so far

We are almost exactly 18 months post-PDD diagnosis for Ethan.  When I think back on those dark days of the Summer before his diagnosis, I am amazed. He has come so very, very far. I was terrified then.  What was wrong with my child? What was wrong with me that I couldn’t apparently parent him successfully? How were we going to fix him? How long could we continue to chalk his behavior up to him being the youngest, very  immature, and slightly spoiled? And then the light bulbs went off. Granted, I bawled my eyes out in those weeks following that day in the psychiatrist’s office. And I still am frequently moved to tears and frustration. But what a difference between then and now.  He frequently engages in conversation (granted, it usually has to be about something he is interested in, and he has to initiate the conversation). He will usually respond to new people albeit with prompting.  He is tantruming much less. He can often check his anger. He is playing *with* other kids rather than just playing next to other kids.

But boy, do we have far to go. I know how he is in the context of home, and in our daily activities. I do not know how he is in the context of school or at other peoples’ homes.  I’m learning though. I get frequent feedback from  his teacher, for which I’m completely grateful. But in talking with the social worker, it was brought home once again the level of his anxiety at trying new things, at any break in routine, at the thought of what lies in the future (next school year).  We  have become comfortable in managing his triggers at home.

We have come so far, and yet we have so far to go.  I try very hard not to get ahead of myself, not to worry about what we might deal with in the future with E. He will grow and change. He will have new triggers. He will face new challenges. I try to remain focused on the here and now. I try to focus on all the progress he has made. But sometimes I get caught up in how far we have to go, in how much help  he needs in learning to deal with his anxieties, his anger management, his social skills. There are times I am completely overwhelmed with how far we have to go. And on those days when he is completely sideways, I just want to curl up into a ball and cry.

4 thoughts on “So far, and yet so far

  1. I only “know” you through your blog but I think Ethan is lucky to have you for a mom. Admittedly, I don’t know much about his diagnosis but I think that both him AND you will end up managing just fine. With some bumps along the way, of course. With any of our kids, I think it’s the bumps along the way that make for the most interesting blog posts 🙂

  2. I really feel you but hang in there! I readily recall being where you are now but it does get better. Your child will surprise you beyond measure and at some point a “breakthrough” does come. Lan just finished his first year of high school and passed all his classes. No phone calls from the school anymore. No more anxiety with each new day. I can’t say when it comes but suddenly you look up and you can breathe a bit easier….

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