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It Hurts

This morning started out well enough. I actually got a full night of sleep, only momentarily interrupted when hubster was watching a movie on his iPad and I was facing towards the light. It’s amazing what sleep will do for your mood. But now….not even two hours later, I’m sitting here with tears forming, trying to understand and put into words why.

Ethan fell getting out of the car at drop-off. He literally crashed to the asphalt in the loop.  This morning, I was one of the dreaded parents getting out of my car at drop-off, but I had reason. I know what one thing can do to his entire day. He wasn’t angry, he was sad. No blood, thankfully, but I know the potential affect this could have on his mood and outlook.  I told G to stay with him this morning. And as I drove away, I was the one crying.

It hurts that I can’t fix this for him. I can control as much as I can control.  We do as much as we can to help him deal on a daily basis. We spend a lot of time and effort managing situations as best we can. But I can’t make it right for him. We do therapy. We research to find what has helped other PDD kids. We battle for him when we need to. We have an IEP in place at school. But we can’t fix it.

I’m seeing all the Autism Awareness posts, blogs, articles, media. It hurts yet. I struggle so desperately to talk about it the way I can talk about Ryley’s prematurity. It hurts that I can’t yet do for E what I am able to do for Ry….speak passionately about, and fight for the organization that has given us so much, tell his story to help others. It just feels so private, so raw.

I realized driving home from drop-off this morning next year, Ethan will be alone at school. Both his siblings will have moved on to middle school. He doesn’t really hang out with Grace at school, but I know he has someone there keeping an eye on him. He has someone he can go to if he needs it. Next year, he will not have his safety  net. That I even think about that hurts. We are both anxious. And that’s four months away.

Today could end up being a great day. He may be perfectly fine in spite of his fall this morning. I pray that’s what happens. Otherwise we both may be a bucket of tears this afternoon.

2 thoughts on “It Hurts

  1. My heart feels this post so much. One thing I’ve noticed as I read your posts– how much we as moms feel for our kids, their hurts, their triumphs, and their emotions. I think you’ve expressed so eloquently how much more vividly I feel every little bump of my kids’ lives (even more than I do my own). Hang in there — sending good thoughts for E and G and R.

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