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It’s not my road

I follow a few blogs of fellow mommas with autistic babies. It helps remind me we are not alone. I often get chills when I read of their kiddos’ successes. I often cry when they face setbacks. And in their honest words, I am almost always touched. I’m beginning to realize I am part of this club, no matter how much I may mentally and emotionally fight against it.

There are so many things we’ve been working with E-man on.  Sometimes I am overwhelmed at the sheer number of issues he may be facing. And I often get in a hurry to get him to reach a certain goal. But I was reminded as I read another momma blog that this is his journey, his very own path. He will walk it in his time, and in his way. The book has been tossed out – you know, that one for “normal” kids.  He will reach his own goals in his own time.

It is so hard to make myself stand back sometimes. He will succeed if I give him room. Some days, I look at him and think “we’ve so got this.” Then there are the days when I think we will  never see the sunshine again. He had a rough week last week. Two days of meltdowns, crying at school.  He’s never cried at school before. I’m terrified other kids are going to pick up on it and start teasing him. He’s even voiced concern of that, although no one has said anything to him yet. He is in a classroom full of quiet, calm, competent, gentle kids.  They seem to sense something is different and are concerned but not bothered. I pray it remains that way. It will drive him further away if they begin to tease him.

As we walked to school this morning, I reminded him it’s a new week, a new day. Last week is done and gone. I asked him to make it a good day, to put the sadness of the events last week behind him and start fresh. I feel like I did back when he was in kindergarten and first grade….waiting nervously for the end of the school day when I will see his face and hear what kind of day he had. I’m on edge.

His road is so different. I feel ill-prepared to guide him along, especially when I have no idea what’s coming up around that corner or over that hill. It is his road though, not mine. In the end, I just pray we both survive the ride.

2 thoughts on “It’s not my road

  1. Oh, I SO KNOW what you’re saying about being in a hurry to reach those goals. I used to get so upset when he didn’t, only to realize that he didn’t care – he just wanted to be himself.

    I look back to the days of even just a couple years ago, and I am amazed at how far things have come along. I really feel that once I stepped back a bit, he thrived.

    It is an amazing journey, isn’t it?

  2. Love him, encourage him, and be there for him. If you do those three things as best you can from one day to the next, that’s worth more than a pile of books written by medics and other experts. At the end of the day, all most kids want is to know Mom is there and Mom loves them.

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