So, it was an amazing summer as far as all the things we got to do and see, and all the time with family, but it’s been a rough six or so months for me emotionally. Just not in a great place, and really struggling with self-perception, self-esteem issues. It really shouldn’t be this rough at 40+, truly. I don’t know how I’ve taken about 85 steps backwards to a place I haven’t seen since my high school years.
I was talking with a few of my mom friends at a BBQ the other day about our daughters and their self-esteem. It made me sad to hear that girls who are nine years old are already struggling. One of my friends has a rule for her daughter…for every one thing she says she doesn’t like about herself, she has to come up with three things she loves/likes about herself.
I was driving to ballet class this morning, mentally beating myself up with all kinds of negative thoughts (getting on the scale after two wedding weekends and a holiday will do that to a person). I started listing all the things I see “wrong” with me. I felt myself sliding deeper and deeper. Then I remembered what my friend had said about coming up with three positives or likes for every hate/negative. It went something like this:
1) I hate my body right now. It’s soft. It has creases and bulges it never had before. Over the past six months, I’ve gained eight pounds now that I cannot seem to take off. For someone who fought food issues for so long, it’s not a good place to be.
1) I do love my legs. They’re short, but have good shape and they’re strong
2) I have pretty blue eyes
3) I have good lips
2) I yell at my kids sometimes and get easily frustrated
1) I hug my kids a lot and always tell the I love them
2) I’m the first to tell my babies I’m proud of them
3) I read with E-man almost every night; P and I have a lot of one-on-one time; I continually ask Ry questions about himself, his friends, school, soccer, life.
3) I’m not a great cook
1) I’m a good grocery shopper
2) I make a mean spaghetti sauce and yummy enchiladas
3) I feed my family healthy meals when I do cook
4) I’m afraid/anxious and often let that keep me from doing things
1) I’ve run two half marathons in the past three years, and will be running at least one more this year, plus a 5K
2) I started taking an adult beginning ballet class in March. I don’t totally suck
3) I actually got on a horse after refusing for 25 years
5) My house is a cluttered disaster I can’t seem to un-clutter and it makes me completely twitchy and disgusted. I’m embarrassed when people come over.
1) I have lots of pictures of my babies everywhere. It’s important to me. I take decent photos of them.
2) This year, I made curtains for my dining room, and invested in some pretty tablecloths and table runners with matching accessories. I love a pretty dining room.
3) I’ve completed two reorganizing projects, and have a list of what else I want to accomplish to make me feel more happy with my home.
6) I don’t work outside the home and feel I don’t contribute to our family or the world in general.
1) I keep our family organized and get the kids where they need to be, when they need to be there.
2) I’m involved in my kids’ daily lives, and am able to volunteer at school and in their various extracurricular activities
3) I’m able to volunteer in an online support community with the March of Dimes for parents/families who have been through the neonatal intensive care unit, or lost their babies.
7) I seemed to have regained a lot of my childhood shyness and insecurity. I get anxious walking into parties, book club, church, and Bible study by myself. I feel socially awkward.
1) I’m a decent writer
2) I read a lot
3) I have a lot of friends
8) I spend too much time telling my kids to clean up after themselves and complaining what a mess our house is. I’m afraid that’s all they’re ever going to remember me saying during their childhood.
1) While our home may be somewhat cluttered, it’s clean
2) I always have a good/cute manicure and pedicure
3) I’m getting better at spending time with my spouse and kids in the evenings, rather than just cleaning, cleaning, cleaning
9) I can be really negative
1) I’m good at encouraging and lifting other people up when they need it
2) I can sing well
3) I have good shoes
10) I can be really bitchy, and I hate the things I hear coming out of my own mouth
1) I know sports and watch them avidly
2) I can converse on world event topics, and usually know what’s going on around me politically and socially
3) I don’t mind spending time alone. I can go eat a meal in a restaurant by myself, go to the movies by myself and be okay with it.
I’m feeling much better than I did this morning. And it got more difficult at the end to think of what I hate about myself. Mission (somewhat) accomplished