Just as I have never considered myself a “strong” person, I have never really considered myself a brave person. I am an avid conflict-avoider. It is much easier to take what you’re told and go with with it than to rub against the grain. It is easier to sit in a corner and cry quietly than speak out to the person(s) who has hurt you. I first began to learn to be brave, even when it’s terrifying, when I lay for sixteen days in a hospital bed trying desperately to stay pregnant with our firstborn.
Life is funny. You think once you’ve learned a lesson, you don’t have to re-learn that lesson. Life laughs at you when you hold that thought. I am re-learning the lesson of being brave. It’s been hiding inside of me for years. I haven’t really needed to use my brave much. Lately, I am required to use my brave on a near-daily basis.
When E-man was diagnosed two years ago, I spent weeks just crying. I was beaten. We had an answer for his behavior, but now we needed to fix it. I naively thought his “high functioning” diagnosis meant we would need little dealing with accommodations and services at school. Within ten months, he had reached such a level, good place. It wasn’t that we didn’t see tantrums, outbursts, or non-social behavior, but it was manageable. Lately, those bright spots are very few and far between. I’ve been living purely in reactionary manner the past few months. It’s exhausting. And I’ve learned that “high functioning” does not equate to low-need. I’m learning that we must dig in, reach out, go forth. We have a job to do to get our precious child all he needs.
The momma bear has come out. She’s been quiet for quite a long time. Honestly, I prefer it that way. It’s way more peaceful, less emotional, less draining. But my son deserves my momma bear behavior. I made a promise to him yesterday that I will do all I can to get him what he needs. I can’t take this away for him. I would give anything to be able to do so. I promised him I will be with him every step of the way as we walk this path we’ve been given, and we will get through it together. So for him, I will be brave, something that is so difficult and uncomfortable for me. He deserves that. He deserves me giving all I have to fight for him.