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Control

I’ve said it before…dealing with E’s issues makes me much more aware of my own issues. Or maybe it’s made my issues return/rise to the surface. Whatever. I’m a control freak. I’m probably also somewhat OCD. I need things a certain way. I exhaust myself doing things other household members are fully capable of doing because I have a need to have them done a certain way. I crave order. I’m most comfortable when everything is in its place.

You know that commercial where the mom is with her son at all times, answering questions on his behalf in class, fixing his hair as he talks with  his friends, and so on? I could so be that mom. In my mind, I know best how to manage E. I know his triggers. I know what to do when he starts to go sideways. I know how to calm him. I know how to rein him back in. I know how to get him to do what he must even when he’s pushing back. I know how to soothe him, how to get him to eat, how to get him to re-focus. Me. That’s my job. I’m his mom. I’d protect him all day every day if I could. I know it would be the worst thing for me, and for him. The control freak in me screams out numerous times throughout the day, “You’re not doing it right!” It’s an uncomfortable feeling for me. It’s good for him though. It’s good for me to be forced to let go.

I’ve had a few suggestions to switch schools for him, or home/partially-home school him.  Trust me, these thoughts have been banging around my brain for a couple of years. We are open to the thought that traditional school may not always be the right answer for him. We also get that with his co-dependence, and my control stuff, home schooling would probably not be the best answer for either of us. We need the time apart. He needs to learn to learn from other people. He needs to learn other ways to calm, re-focus, settle, and manage than just leaning on mom. I have to allow others to take on a care-giving role in his life. For now, he’s in a safe place with trusted people. He’s in a good place. He’s in a caring, loving place. And every day, I learn to let go a little more my need for control

4 thoughts on “Control

  1. I raise my cup of tea in sympathy. I too am a control freak, at least when it comes to my autistic son. This came in handy when I attended his IEP this week. Knowing John as well as I do helped me explain and interpret several of the behaviors that were puzzling his teachers, therapists, and his caseworker. It was a win/win, and I’ll take all of those I can get! Good for you for your efforts at letting go.

  2. You are a wise mama. Parenting does bring us back to our own “issues” and school decisions need to be made in light of all our best interests. You’re doing a good job of supporting him while letting him learn how to operate in the world.

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