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What Does it Mean?

Last night was the land of strange dreams. I had one of those that sticks with you and kind of haunts you all day. I keep going back to it, trying to figure out what it means. See if you can tell me. In the dream, E-man was a baby. Not yet walking, but big enough to be a load to carry. And I was carrying him, trying to get somewhere. I can’t remember if I was trying to get home, or just get back to the rest of our family who was…..somewhere. We had to keep going through these strange places….a carnival (in the behind-the-tents kind of area), a minor league baseball field, shops.  We kept getting stuck in those places, and I knew we weren’t supposed to be there so I was trying desperately to not be seen. In the baseball field, we somehow ended up on the field, and security people were yelling at us but no one would help. On top of this, E was sick….feverish and throwing up. We did somehow eventually get back. M was mad that it took us so long, and that I’d had a sick baby out all night. Maybe I’m making too much of what was likely just a dream.  But that feeling of needing so badly to get somewhere, and of getting continually sidetracked and caught….I can’t seem to shake it off.

I’m still worried about him.  While things seem to have leveled off somewhat with his medication changes and increased dosages, I can’t help the feeling we are in some new arena, one in which I’m mostly lost. I don’t know what’s coming up. New things keep happening, unexpected things. I can’t seem to get a full handle on it, on him.

Last night, I turned my light out around 10 and shortly after, was drifting off to sleep when I heard E bang into the wall. I thought I’d heard the garage door open and close a few minutes before. Suddenly suspicious, I knew I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep until I checked on him. Yes, he was awake. Not only was he awake, he had brought a can of 7-Up, a box of goldfish, and his iPod up to his room. He was happily munching away watching YouTube videos of some video-gamer. As soon as he realized I was in the room, he started apologizing. I took it all away. I told him under no circumstances was this okay. Not only was it way past his bedtime, but he’d broken all kinds of rules….grabbed a soda without asking, brought it and food upstairs, and brought his iPod upstairs (we have a no phone, no computer, no iPod upstairs rule).  No wonder this kid is completely exhausted every day. I have no idea how long he’s been pulling this trick. I haven’t found any goldfish or soda cans in his room prior to last night, but we have had issues with the iPod before. He’s lost all technology for the week. Makes my life harder, but honestly in some ways, I feel he’s breaking rules because he wants us to discipline the same way the other two would be disciplined. I’m at a loss.

The speech therapist from his school called today. He’d gone into her room during lunch. He now eats in the multi-purpose room now because it’s too loud for him at the lunch tables. Well, he told her he couldn’t eat today because, although no one was in the MPR with him, he felt like someone was watching him. <insert huge sigh here>  This is new for him. It’s not the first time he’s verbalized this fear/worry, but it’s a new anxiety. He said this same thing one night last week after going upstairs to bed. I have no idea where this is coming from, nor what to do with it. Call to therapist added to my to-do list.

I’m used to “new” things from my other two. We are adjusting to having a teen and pre-teen in the house and all that comes with having middle-schoolers….school dances, interest in the opposite sex, phones, internet access, etc.  While I’ve felt at times I’m floundering, nothing is unexpected. It’s just new. This stuff with E – I never know what’s coming. It all feels unexpected AND new. There needs to be a guidebook for this kid.

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