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Better

I felt the need to give an update on our littlest man. How could a short week seem soooooooooo long?

We are in a MUCH better place than Tuesday night. Last night, he was giggling like crazy, playing Legos and BeyBlades with his brother. It did my heart good to hear him laugh. The email from his teacher yesterday commenting on what a great day he had soothed the worries of earlier in the week. I feel we are on the right path once again. His report card yesterday, in which he had improved immensely on the work habits/citizenship side in just a month, along with the words, “He is a pleasure to have in class” and “He is extremely intelligent” made my momma’s heart burst with pride. He has worked so very hard to come back from that dark place.

Am I still concerned with regard to the events of the other night? Totally. Nothing prepares you to hear those words from your child’s mouth. And nothing we do un-says them. They are there, permanently. There has not been a repeat. It’s as if a switch has been flipped from Tuesday night to now, thank God.

If I’m being honest, I seriously think he is obsessed about the subject of suicide, not with ending his own life. Does that make sense? He does grab onto topics and works them in his brain. And recently, there has been a spate of stories on suicide on television (another reason we’ve limited tv time and any screen time).  Just when he’s obsessing about something, it seems you can’t turn the tv on without something on the subject airing. He needs a break from hearing about it. I need the word to go away for awhile as it punches me in the gut every time I hear it.

We are watchful. We will continue to be vigilant. But the child I sent to school today is not the child who came down those stairs Tuesday night, hysterically crying, and saying he was having those thoughts. (Forgive me if I struggle to even type the words he said) We will always take him seriously. There is no choice in the matter. He knows that. But he truly is in a better place at this point. I was brutally honest with him….1) We will do whatever we have to do to keep him safe; 2) it’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem; 3) it’s an extremely selfish act; 4) he may think he’s just ending his pain but he is causing all sorts of unfathomable pain to his family and friends should he make that choice. 

My gut, my mother’s instinct says he will not hurt himself. That said, I will not ignore him should he say it again. But I truly believe he is and will be okay. His life right now is hard. We acknowledge that. There are crazy bright and beautiful parts, and there are dark, dark places in all of this. We continue to point out his strengths, the things he has that “normal” people don’t have, and how amazing his life is going to be. He works so incredibly hard. He knows he is different, and he knows we are getting him whatever help we can to make this world easier for him to navigate on his own.

We’re good. Things are better. I’m not freaking out. He’s smiling. I’d say that’s a good Friday.

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