Little Man *just* got his technology back on Wednesday. That’s two days ago. Two. Days. This morning, when I went to wake him up, there lay on the bed beside him his brother’s phone (and the big box of goldfish but I won’t even deal with that – it’s calories!). Are you kidding me?
I don’t know how to handle this anymore. Why do I forget that consequences have very little effect on his actions? He knew as soon as I picked up the phone he was in trouble. I didn’t say a word, but he started crying and throwing a tantrum pretty much immediately. He got angry, so angry, with me. Really? You’re angry with me, bud? He had once again waited until I was in bed, asleep, to sneak downstairs to get the phone and the goldfish. So I have two issues: 1) He’s staying up til who knows what time of the night/morning watching YouTube videos or Netflix; and 2) He’s being sneaky about it, which, once again, is as good as lying in my book, which, once again, we do not tolerate in our home regardless of whatever diagnosis. He knows better. He knows. Trust me, he knows. This is not a new conversation. It’s been going on for months. I need him healthy. When he has school the next day, he needs all the sleep he can get as it really does help his tolerance levels. He needs sleep, desperately, to grow. He isn’t getting that sleep if he’s watching videos all night.
I’m frustrated. I’m sad. Yes, I’m even angry. What does it take? Why do I even bother? Somebody please tell me how best to handle this. I’m about to the point of locking up every single device we have in the house, every single night (including the dvd player, remotes for the tv’s, and plug for the computer). It’s that bad. Do I just give in and let him have his screen in bed? Then I have to explain again why a rule doesn’t apply to him but does apply to his siblings. He won’t get his reading done he’s supposed to do every night (goodness knows he won’t do it in the afternoon just after school). He won’t sleep. I just don’t have any clue how to handle this.
He’s lost technology, again, but for two weeks this time. He was extremely remorseful all morning, in between being really angry and stomping around the house. He kept apologizing. I didn’t have anything to say to him. I made him get his iPod, DS, and Kindle and hand them over to me. I’ve hidden them. Now we both get to suffer, because every day for the next two weeks, he will do his best to make me crazy, hoping against hope I’ll relent to save my own sanity. I will have to entertain. I will have to listen to the whining. I will have to provide options to keep him busy which do not involve screens of any kind. Why is it the punishments you know they need are also punishment for us?
NaBloPoMo prompt for today: What have you learned about yourself through blogging?
I could repeat much of what I wrote yesterday. I’ve seen inside my own mind. Putting it down on paper/screen makes it real. The words are out there. I’ve learned I have a long way to go in managing my own reaction to Little Man’s autism. I’ve learned I still have a lot of emotion with regard to my oldest son’s premature birth. I’ve learned if I let myself, I could try to relive my childhood through my daughter’s life (she’s way tougher than I ever was). I’ve learned it’s difficult but not impossible to forgive myself. I’ve learned I worry more about some things than anyone else involved, that I can obsess when everyone else has put it out of their mind as a non-issue. I’ve learned I’m imperfect, but better than I let myself believe. I’ve learned I have a lot more to say, I just need to the courage to get out there and say it. I’ve learned people care. If you live it out loud, if you put yourself out there, you just might help someone or inspire them.