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Bewildered and Rage

The NaBloPoMo prompt for today works very well for how I’m feeling lately. The question is: How would you rate your self-confidence? When is it at its lowest? When is it at its highest?

I’m not feeling very self-confident these days. Maybe it’s hormones. Maybe it’s stress. Maybe it’s the lack of good, solid sleep. I’m just feeling utterly bewildered by life lately. As for self-confidence? Hah. I don’t even remember what that is. I’m lacking energy, I’m tired, I’m impatient, I’m on the verge of tears at least five times a day. I didn’t get my runs in last week.  This week is already looking iffy for hitting that three-run mark, and I have a 15K to run Sunday. The OC Half is in 6 1/2 weeks. I’m anxious, and it isn’t helping anything.

Little Man….Oy. His anger has returned to a degree we haven’t seen in two years. His primary response to anything is anger, lashing out, snappy and rude retorts. I’ve heard, “I Know!!” more times than I care to count the last two weeks. I don’t know where it’s coming from. I know it isn’t happening at school. He just cries there, or retreats to fetal position. He’s angry about eating, he’s angry about homework, he’s angry about cleaning his room, he’s angry when we don’t let him sleep in our room, he’s angry when I ask him to finish his chores. He’s just plain angry all the time.

He had a follow-up appointment with his psychiatrist yesterday afternoon. We needed to check in on how he’s doing with the new anti-anxiety medication. He started a tantrum in the waiting room. We hadn’t even been there five minutes. Then a woman sitting there thought she would be helpful by pointing out to him how fortunate he is to even have a Kindle, much less be able to play any games with it. Let’s just say that didn’t go over so well. He gave her the evil eye, but she continued on, and looked at me like I was *that* mom. WE ARE IN THE PSYCHIATRIST’S OFFICE LADY!! Don’t you think I’m working on it? I remained calm. She tried one more time with him while I was standing in line to check him in. He gave her another look. I gave her a look, and she stopped. Honestly.

We got into the doctor’s office and Little Man immediately curled up in the corner of the couch. He refused to respond, other than to growl. As I proceeded to then answer the doctor’s questions, he got even more angry. He hates when I talk about him and his issues, even to his doctors. But if he won’t answer, then I have to give my input, right? Doc would really like to put him on a mood stabilizer. I’m hesitant to add one more medication to our repertoire. I think we’re getting to where we need to do something more, but he’s already pushing back on the meds he’s currently taking. He won’t even take ibuprofen or allergy medications when he needs them because he doesn’t want any more medicine. <insert heavy sigh> We are upping the dose on the anti-anxiety. I have no idea if it’s working. I have no idea if what we’re doing is helping at all. I would love to point the finger at this new medicine, as it’s the only thing that has changed, and say this is what’s contributing to the rage, but I just can’t say that for sure. That should not be a side effect of this medicine. And so we will try this new dose for six weeks, then go back again. If we still aren’t where we want him to be, we will wean him off, and then likely try the mood stabilizer.

This is another reason why I am bewildered. I want answers. I want a solid path to follow. I want to know if this happens with him, then we do this, and it works. This “try this, and if it doesn’t work, try that, but that may  not work either” thing is making me crazy. I want so much to help him. He says we’re giving him helps, but not the help he needs. Then he won’t tell us what help he needs. It’s just so frustrating.

He will be ten years old next week. Are we hitting the pre-puberty stage? Is that contributing to his current state? I want to know how to get him back to the level place he was this time last year. The rage is sending me into a tailspin, not to mention what it’s doing to him. I’d had enough yesterday afternoon. I told him in the car on the way home I was done with the way he’s been talking to me, and if he doesn’t pull it together, the Minecraft birthday party I have been working on will be canceled. I don’t feel like putting any effort in when he’s constantly being rude and mean to me. Trust me, I get because of his autism, this is his struggle. But he knows his behavior right now is out of hand. He was immediately apologetic, began petting my arm, and telling me he loves me. I just don’t know what I’m doing here.

We had a meeting at school this morning with his team. We will be incorporating the Zones of Regulation program in his classroom, with his SAI, with the speech therapist, and school social worker. We are making new accommodations for PE. They are probably going to switch him from seeing the social worker (who is an intern, so we have a new one every school  year) to seeing the school psych so there is continuity year to year. He was able to give his input on rewards and consequences. He was given choice on one PE session a week. I’m happy with the changes and additions. I wish I could know that what he agreed to and what works today will work next week. It isn’t ever that easy, is it? I wondered if I looked as bewildered to his team as I’ve been feeling?

To continue the NaBloPoMo response, I feel most self-confident when I’ve had enough sleep, when I’m able to follow my schedule, when I’m getting my runs in, when my house is clean. I feel least self-confident when those things aren’t happening. I feel least self-confident when I can’t help my babies feel better. I feel least self-confident when I’m around a lot of confident, successful women and I have to tell them that I am a stay at home mom when they ask what I do. With that being said, my house is now clean, and I’m heading out for my run.

6 thoughts on “Bewildered and Rage

  1. Pingback: I’m Still a Rock Star: NaBloPoMo | Destino

  2. “I feel least self-confident when I’m around a lot of confident, successful women and I have to tell them that I am a stay at home mom when they ask what I do.”

    Yes! I totally relate to this one. I walk away and try to remember what matters most. I recognize myself in your words. Let’s support each other!

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