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In the Calm

It took me awhile to figure out what’s been missing from our lives lately….It took me awhile to even realize something was missing to begin with. Friday, I went to the volunteer appreciation breakfast at school, made a quick trip to the grocery store, took a Pilates class, and grabbed a quick lunch with a friend. I came home and pulled myself together and clean up the house a bit. By then, it was time to go pick up Little Man. As I sat in the pickup line, I realized I had gone the whole day completely unconcerned about receiving a frantic or apologizing phone call from his school. I thought back and realized it had been weeks since I’d had that worry plague most of my day.

After all the struggles of this school year, you’d think I would be much more aware how much things have improved, much  less that they’ve improved at all. One would assume when you’re slugging your way painfully through each day, praying he will hold it together for just a couple of hours, you would know when that fight has dissipated. You would think you would be so used to that level of anxiety and emotional stress, you’d know when it was gone.

For some reason, it isn’t like that. We’ve been through this before. When you’re in the middle of hell, and then you’re not, sometimes it takes awhile to realize you’re out. I took him to church with me yesterday. I did let him have his iPod during the service, but I still would normally have had to remind him to sit up (or at least not be laying completely across all the chairs, nor with his feet in the air, etc) and not yell or cry out. He was perfectly calm. He did not complain once, nor did he ask me one time how much longer until the service was done. He even responded with smiles when our youth minister talked directly to him after the service.

He has been more compliant at home. Sleep has still been a problem, but I have a feeling sleep will always be a problem. There have been fewer and fewer meltdowns. We are once again in a good place, or at least a manageable place.

I don’t know how long it will last, but even his teacher said today whatever we’re doing, whatever he’s taking, stick with it. It’s working. Thank the good Lord, because I was this close to losing my mind. Now when people ask me how I’m doing, I can honestly say I’m doing okay. We’re doing okay.

I’m not going to think what the next week will bring. I won’t let that shadow hang over my head. Just because he’s gone somewhat off the rails towards the end of school the last few years does not mean it has to happen again this year. Granted, Jaws the giant fluorescent stuffed shark has been going to school with him every day for the past week. I’m not going to let any anxiety creep in to take away from the calm we’re currently enjoying.

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