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Through his eyes

I really wish I could see myself through my husband’s eyes….not the personality stuff, but physically. It’s been something of a rough summer for me. I’ve had self-esteem and self-image issues as long as I can remember.  I knew going into my surgery I was going to be off any exercise for six weeks. No running, no walking, no lifting anything over ten pounds. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. I also knew the benefits of the surgery outweighed losing six weeks of exercise.

Mentally and emotionally, it’s been more difficult that I had imagines. I am unhappy with my body, unhappy with how I look (at least what I see). My clothes are not fitting. I feel lazy and lumpy. I look in the mirror and see all the flaws. When he says I’m beautiful, I sigh and shake my head. When he tells me I’m pretty, I roll my eyes. I wish I could see myself through his eyes, if only for a moment.

A friend reminded me of my post last Fall,  Ten Things I Hate About Me wherein I made myself find three good things about myself for every negative thing. How quickly we forget when we hear our own voice in our head, and it’s louder than every other voice. I need to get out of this negative rut I’m in.

I saw my doctor today for my post-op follow-up. Everything is good. He gave me full release back to regular activities. Can I get an amen? I went and bought a new running outfit for inspiration. Tomorrow morning, before it’s too hot, I’ll lace up my running shoes for the first time in nearly two months, and I’ll haul my carcass out there. I realize my body doesn’t need to meet some random definition of perfect. My goal is not to “look good for being 40+ and having three kids”, but to be healthy, and look good in my eyes. And when those negative words creep in – because I know they will – I will remind myself to find those three positives for every negative, and to think about what I might see if I were looking at me through his eyes.

3 thoughts on “Through his eyes

  1. I’m old, see, and I’ve probably seen a lot more changes in me than you have. It’s hard. It’s also very common.

    But I would leave you with this thought. It all starts with you. You are the one who can’t accept his compliments. If you do that too long, he’ll stop giving them. But accepting them means there’s something in you that believes them. That’s the part you have control over.

    Faith.

    It’s kind of a chicken or the egg problem. Do you feel pretty because you have killed yourself at the gym, eat nothing but celery, or bought new lingerie? Or do you need to feel good about yourself in order to do any of those things?

    Speaking as a husband of 44 years, there’s only so much he can do. You’ve got to meet him half way, and that means finding some way to kindle the spark in you of your own innate sense of beauty, and start by practicing believing it when he shows you he still finds you attractive. These things reinforce themselves. ‘Cause it’s there. And it’s not physical. But when you find it, and juice it up, the external stuff will start taking care of itself.

    And good news about the surgery. The hard part is done, now. 🙂

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