Home » Prematurity » It’s just there, under the surface, lurking

It’s just there, under the surface, lurking

I woke up this morning, with a dread in my heart. Today is it. Today is the day. You would think a person could move past something, especially something that has had a good ending (so far). But I can’t let it go. My heart remembers what my brain would forget. I pushed past the sulky wake-up, and went out for a long run, despite the heat and humidity. Can I get an amen for my longest run since the beginning of June? It felt amazing. Something about running lately just makes me feel stronger, leaner, more capable, okay with my world. But as soon as the runner’s high wore off, I felt the crankiness return.

I am impatient today. There’s an underlying anger, sadness, and hurt. Honestly, I don’t truly get it. We’re fourteen years removed from that day, and yet it still has the power to haunt me.

Big Man  had his first official soccer game of the season. Opening Day, how I loathe you. The parking lots were full. It’s hot, and it’s humid. We were also in charge of snack for this game, Truly, do 12 and 13  year old boys really need cookies and juice as a treat after a soccer game? It irks me for some reason. Bad words flowed through my brain as we hunted for a parking spot at the fields. We finally had some parking karma, but then Little Man had a freakout when a bee landed on his headphones (which he was carrying), which kinda sent me over the edge. Okay, so I probably would have reacted the same way, but he ran into the middle of the drive of the parking lot. I was much more worried about him getting hit by a car than stung by a bee. Again, anger, fear, hurt. We got to the field to discover that, in my hurry to get out of the house, I’d forgotten our sun umbrella. It was 94 degrees out, and the sun just beat down upon us. Blessedly, the in-laws had their umbrella and we all crowded into the shade.

The Princess and I had to leave early to get her to her ballet class. I was actually thankful. Air-conditioning called my name. We put it on full-blast in the car. Relief!!

Have I mentioned I’m an Oakland A’s fan? Yeah, well, I am, and they’re not doing so well lately.  On our way home, the updates came on my phone as they fell behind in the game. More bad words flowed through my brain. We got home, and I couldn’t figure out why I was just so exhausted, impatient, and quick-to-anger. The date was announced by someone on the television for one game or another. Oh yes, that’s it. There it is, the reason for the funk today. September 6th has arrived. It is a day to be survived, no matter what that takes. We are busy today. The Princess and I are headed back to the studio shortly to sell stuff at the fundraising bake sale, and then she has Nutcracker auditions from 7-9pm. I’m thankful for busy. It helps keep my mind off of the day. But somehow, the emotion is still there, lurking underneath the surface. No matter how things turn out, your heart doesn’t forget the day you lost all that innocence, all you thought you could have in a pregnancy. Your heart will remember the pain, the fear, the uncertainty. It will remember the beginning of that journey you never meant to take.

If you’ve crossed my path today and I’ve been less than my usually chipper self, I apologize. Give me a day or two. I’ll recover. For today, I’m going to burrow into that cave and do what I must to just get through.

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