This morning started with two thoughts…..it’s my oldest sister’s birthday. Or it should have been her birthday, would have been her birthday. Second – it’s YAGP weekend in San Diego. Competition time for the Princess. Her fist year with a solo (contemporary). I was in a frenzy from the moment my eyes opened.
I cried. I miss her. I miss knowing she’s there when our family is going wonky. I miss her joy. I miss her laugh. I miss her smile. I miss her way of bringing us all together. I miss her. A couple months ago, I was looking for something in my scrapbooking closet. I came across a photo of Deb with my Little Man. He was just a few months old. So she was just a few months into her battle with cancer. I pulled that photo out this morning to post on my personal FB page because it reminded me so much of her joy in the midst of her personal storm. And I cried. Then my baby sister wrote a post. And my big brother put a photo of her up. I struggled through the morning, tears always one breath away. It’s been rough today thinking of her.
As for the Princess – I am so extremely proud of her. I think back to the day she learned she was going to have a contemporary solo his year. She was so happy and proud of herself. She’s worked so hard. And her teacher has created the perfect dance for her. I was anxious. I knew she was nervous. She had hair and makeup done almost three hours before we needed to leave.
When her group went backstage, I was a little upset I hadn’t had a chance to tell her I loved her. I hadn’t been able to see her face, tell her I was proud of her, remind her to dance from her heart. And then, when she had maybe ten dancers ahead of her, I saw her run out to the lobby. I quickly jumped out of my seat and ran out to find her. When I did, I gave her a big hug, told her I loved her, how proud of her I am, and promptly started to cry. She laughed at me. “This is hard for me,” I said. “I can’t control this for you. I can’t do it for you. I have no control, and that’s hard for me.” She gave me a look. And then she ran backstage.
She was the 33rd dancer in her group. I was anxious, and then I settled. But as the numbers crept closer to hers, my anxiety built. Finally, it was her turn. I held my breath. My heart pounded. I wanted to watch but I also wanted to hide my face. Those 2.5 minutes are a blur. She didn’t fall. She didn’t mess up. She hit all her lines. She was beautiful.
She’s tough, this girl of mine. She’s more than me and that makes me near burst. She’s happy with her performance. Her teachers are happy with her performance. And we are through the first competition of the year.
And, of course, in the middle of all this, is Little Man. There’s much prep involved when I’m going to be away. It stresses me out. I know that being away from him for brief periods is good for both of us. But it’s a process. I had to talk him down, remind him of the schedule, and let him know he can text me any time. His sweet face when I dropped him at school near broke me.
It’s been a day…, a long day, a good day, a very stressful day. I had a Cosmo tonight in honor of my sister. We spent the evening with our favorite dance family. And I’m ready to crash in preparation for another long dance day tomorrow.