I had this great blog planned out about having perspective on Big Man’s premature birth. But then we went to his 14 year old well-check, and that fabulous perspective was blown. I will tell you this….fourteen years later, prematurity still sucks, and it still steals things from my life.
I really wanted to walk in and out of that doctor’s office with no follow-ups ordered. Duh. This is the kid who from the beginning has shown he has his own path. I won’t go into detail – he hasn’t said I could. We do have referrals and follow-up. My belief is what we’re looking at has more to do with genetics than anything else, but the pediatrician was concerned. I stopped myself from asking her if this could possibly have anything at all to do with his premature birth. I didn’t ask, because I knew as soon as I thought it, it was a ridiculous question. The fact it entered my brain made me want to cry. If this were happening with either of the other two children, I never would have had that thought. It made me sad.
Prematurity is the gift that keeps on giving, emotionally, if not any other way. We’re lucky in that he’s pretty heathy and hasn’t had to deal with much fallout from his too-soon arrival. I took my parents with me to our March of Dimes March for Babies Kickoff. As video rolled of other babies who live the same path as my big boy, I teared up. Those pictures take me back fourteen years in a breath. The fear the Ambassador parents spoke of returned to the surface immediately. You don’t ever forget. You don’t ever let it go. You never “get over it.”
I wanted to hang onto the positive perspective I was feeling the other day. I really did. Today took that away. And that stinks.