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I’ve lost hold

I used to feel like I kinda knew what I was doing with my kids, like I had a small grasp of this mom thing. Lately, you could apply every cliche to having no clue what I’m going…up a creek without a paddle, swimming upstream, few bricks shy of a load, and on and on. I have no navigational beacon.

Little Man has me completely lost, frustrated, worn out. Big Man isn’t helping the situation. He seems to have forgotten he has to put in the work, and then actually hand assignments in. He’s trying to coast, and it isn’t working. That just makes me mad. Then there’s the Princess….dealing with teenage girls may be the end of me. She’s great with the whole school and homework thing. We’re just at the studio late a couple nights a week which has us both tired, and goodness knows the hormones of a teenage daughter will push even the saintliest mother over the edge.

You know those dreams you have about arriving at a class you haven’t been to all semester only to find you have a test? Or the one where you’re trying to find a certain place, but can’t seem to get there no matter what you do? Every day feels like that lately. I pulled into the gas station this morning and, even though I’ve had the same type of car for the last four years, had to stop and think about which side the fuel tank was on. I forget things at the grocery store, even if they’re on my list. I’m clumsier than normal. Routine is not routine.

I told the Princess the other day I don’t know what  I’m doing here, flying by the seat of my pants.  She said, ever so calmly, “No one knows what they’re doing.” Oh, the wisdom of that girl.   Thankfully, she’s pretty forgiving most of the time. They’re just reaching a stage that’s so unfamiliar. Half the time, I sit there looking at them, wondering, “What now?” I don’t know how to do this on a daily basis, anymore than I knew how to do it when they were brand new babies. I’m terrified of messing this up.

Everything just feels new and different, but we’re six weeks into this school year. I shouldn’t feel this lost and scattered. Please, parents of children who have come through the other side of middle and high school, tell me we’re all going to make it. I’m floundering over here.

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