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Calling/Called

A little over a week ago, I went to the women’s retreat through our church. The theme of the day was “Called”…not what you’re called to do, but who you’re called to be. It hit home as I have been in a place lately of figuring out what I want to be when I grow up, where I want/need my life to go.

I’ve been feeling this urge/need lately to do more, be more. It’s an internal push, with some mild external pressure. There’s this voice inside my head telling me I’m not enough, I’m wasting my education, I need to contribute more to our household financially.  My friendship circle has shifted  from nearly all stay-at-homes, to nearly all working in some capacity or another. Add to that, our oldest will start college in under four years. Within seven years, all three kids will be in college. Yeah, terrifying, especially when you look at the cost of schools these days.

There’s another voice in my head that pushes back against that other voice. It wonders how a job fits into all this madness. And what job would that be? What direction do I go?

The retreat made me think and feel deeply. Maybe where I am now, who I am now, what I am now is where, who, and what I’m called to be. My kids need me around, even if just as their chauffeur/cook/laundress/maid. Teenagers need someone to pay attention to them…..who their friends are, what they’re doing, what they’re not doing. They need constant reassurance they’re loved, that they have enforced boundaries. Maybe my best me is being what they need the most at this point in time. Maybe I’m called to be that advocate for my youngest child no one else is capable of being. Maybe the me I’m called to be is who I already am, doing what I’ve been doing, sharing our journey that others might find hope, not feel alone, or be enlightened by what I’m writing.

Maybe if I stopped struggling so much, and just did this, I would find the peace of heart I’ve been seeking.  I’ve been praying, and trying to quiet my mind so I might hear who and what it is I’m meant to be.

Pentagon Memorial heart

10 thoughts on “Calling/Called

  1. The retreat sounds like it was really great for you. I used to go on those retreats all of the time before I was married with kids. I need to return. Sounds like your future will be awesome.

  2. I love what you wrote, and I have those same struggles and thoughts. I especially loved this, “Maybe the me I’m called to be is who I already am, doing what I’ve been doing, sharing our journey that others might find hope, not feel alone, or be enlightened by what I’m writing.”

  3. I’ve done both, and I’ve found that the financial benefits of a steady job do not compensate me enough. For one thing, my working outside the home meant we ate more take-out, I needed more clothes, more fuel — so the income had offsets to begin with.
    But beyond that, there was this gap, this sort of breakdown in communication and things didn’t get done as they should. I reckon a lot of women are married to men who don’t mind to start dinner, make sure uniforms are clean and pressed, help with homework, but my husband views those tasks as difficult, and as a result, we argued and fostered resentment. But I’m not a martyr, I’m not capable of working 40-45 hours a week and coming home each night only to work more and give more of myself.
    I respect anyone who does it, whether it’s a must or a choice, but I do not want to live like that.
    He parents. He parents effectively and consistently. He is happy to work. He enjoys providing.
    I run this house. I keep us all on a timeline, I am the glue that keeps us all together.
    There are plenty of times (usually August, December, and when something breaks) where I regret I don’t earn a stable income to add to his. But it’s not worth it for us.
    It has been easier to be poor for awhile. It has been easier to sacrifice material things in order to eat a pot roast at a decent hour, at the table, with love. I would never question or demean anyone else’s choices, but for our marriage, this is absolutely the best situation.
    And I like how you make comment about teenagers needing supervision. I wholeheartedly agree. When kids are adolescents, it’s not the time to lessen focus.
    Meryl Streep spoke about it once, and when I heard her, I knew she was right. Adolescents make serious decisions. Anyone can feed a baby or tie a kid’s shoes, but you have to have an influential relationship with a teenager.

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