A little over a week ago, I went to the women’s retreat through our church. The theme of the day was “Called”…not what you’re called to do, but who you’re called to be. It hit home as I have been in a place lately of figuring out what I want to be when I grow up, where I want/need my life to go.
I’ve been feeling this urge/need lately to do more, be more. It’s an internal push, with some mild external pressure. There’s this voice inside my head telling me I’m not enough, I’m wasting my education, I need to contribute more to our household financially. My friendship circle has shifted from nearly all stay-at-homes, to nearly all working in some capacity or another. Add to that, our oldest will start college in under four years. Within seven years, all three kids will be in college. Yeah, terrifying, especially when you look at the cost of schools these days.
There’s another voice in my head that pushes back against that other voice. It wonders how a job fits into all this madness. And what job would that be? What direction do I go?
The retreat made me think and feel deeply. Maybe where I am now, who I am now, what I am now is where, who, and what I’m called to be. My kids need me around, even if just as their chauffeur/cook/laundress/maid. Teenagers need someone to pay attention to them…..who their friends are, what they’re doing, what they’re not doing. They need constant reassurance they’re loved, that they have enforced boundaries. Maybe my best me is being what they need the most at this point in time. Maybe I’m called to be that advocate for my youngest child no one else is capable of being. Maybe the me I’m called to be is who I already am, doing what I’ve been doing, sharing our journey that others might find hope, not feel alone, or be enlightened by what I’m writing.
Maybe if I stopped struggling so much, and just did this, I would find the peace of heart I’ve been seeking. I’ve been praying, and trying to quiet my mind so I might hear who and what it is I’m meant to be.