I received my first paycheck yesterday for the first time in nearly six years. It wasn’t huge. My work right now isn’t earth-shaking. But it’s work. It’s me doing something other than *just* being a stay-at-home mom, granted I do my work from home.
I felt so good when I received the notification from my bank. I was a wee bit excited. I felt a small sense of freedom. For the first time in a long time, I am contributing more to the household than laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, and being a taxi service. That’s an awesome feeling.
I realized awhile ago this whole job thing wasn’t really about the money, although it’s nice to have something I feel is my own little financial contribution. For years, I’ve agonized every time I’ve spent any money on myself, felt I had to have some kind of permission if I exceeded a certain dollar amount on things for the kids or the house. But it still isn’t about the money deep down. It’s feeling that I have a voice, that I’m not less.
What it’s also about is me. I’ve needed more of a purpose lately than what life has offered the last six years. I’m not unhappy being at home. I love being here for my kids. I love having the opportunity to volunteer at their schools, go on field trips, drop them off, pick them up, take them to their various activities, manage the household errands while they’re in school. I have the life I never knew I wanted but absolutely love. But there’s been an internal struggle for about a year now….wanting more, needing more. I had a drive to do, not just be. Now I have that. And it’s kind of exciting.