Well, heck….I’ve lived my life on blast so long, I don’t know how not to (please forgive the grammar wreck).. Since I started blogging way back when….since 2005….I’ve written about the fallout of premature birth, diagnosis, Little Man’s autism, fighting with/through medications, parenting toddlers/little kids/big kids/teenagers/Princesses, being a dance mom/baseball mom/soccer mom/golf mom, training for races, running races, family, extended family, loss and gain….It’s all been out there for the world to see. I can’t stop now.
I found a lump on Monday night, a very painful lump, at the base of my throat. I was getting ready for bed, had washed my face and was putting moisturizer on. My fingertips hit that lump, and I cried out. Then, like a child with a bruise, I kept pushing at it. This is definitely not normal. I asked Spouse to look at it. He could see it, under the skin. I wouldn’t let him touch it, kept putting my own hands in the way. We decided if it didn’t feel better in a couple of days, I would call the doctor. Tuesday morning, I woke up thinking maybe I’d imagined it. Maybe it was the result of a sodium overload over the weekend. My hand went to my throat…no, it was still there, and it still hurt just as much. I tried to ignore it all day, but I kept feeling it there. And I did something you shouldn’t do – I looked it up on the internet. Don’t look stuff up on the internet when you have a lump!
Yesterday morning, I called the doctor. I’ve had it on my list to make an appointment for a physical for months. They got me in right away. As an aside, I’d love to know how a well-past-forty-person grows almost an inch? Seriously…I’ve been 5’1 3/4″ since I was 15, but the nurse measured me at 5’2 1/2″ yesterday morning. Methinks she may have mis-measured.
They did the usual temperature, blood pressure, height, and weight. Then the doctor came in. She felt the lump for what seemed like forever, pushed and poked at it. She checked my ears, nose, and eyes. I definitely have fluid in one ear, so she prescribed antibiotics. And she gave me the usual, “It’s probably nothing, but….” as she ordered blood work – fasting blood work, heavy on the thyroid testing – and a neck ultrasound. I go back in two weeks.
Today, not so good. I can’t tell if, because I’m aware it’s there, I feel the lump pushing against my airway, not cutting off my breathing, but just there, ever-so-slightly restricting. Same with eating…I can just feel it when I’m swallowing. But is that in my head, because I know the lump is there, or is it really affecting swallowing? I ran without any breathing problems this morning. I didn’t even think about the lump when I was running.
And then the meltdown came. Do you ever have those things, those days where you are wondering where you went wrong? What kind of karma is coming back to haunt you? And I let my mind go there…what if it is cancer? My next thought was, “I can’t do that to Daddy. He’s been through enough.” Much less, I can’t do that to my kids, my husband. It has to be okay. But the tears were near. Whatever it is, it isn’t normal. And it hurts. Today, I’m not in a good place. I want to hibernate, hide away. I felt the panic attack coming on. I felt the tears waiting to fall.
It’s been a long day. Follow-up appointments have been scheduled, but it’s exhausting thinking about it. Apparently all the follow-ups for Big Man weren’t enough to deal with, I had to get in on the action. Right now, I don’t know it will be okay. I’m trying to believe it will, but it’s hard when you’re mired in that just-tired-and-overwhelmed kind of day. Aren’t you happy you’re along for the ride?