Home » About Me » A lump

A lump

Well, heck….I’ve lived my life on blast so long, I don’t know how not to (please forgive the grammar wreck).. Since I started blogging way back when….since 2005….I’ve written about the fallout of premature birth, diagnosis, Little Man’s autism, fighting with/through medications, parenting toddlers/little kids/big kids/teenagers/Princesses, being a dance mom/baseball mom/soccer mom/golf mom, training for races, running races, family, extended family, loss and gain….It’s all been out there for the world to see. I can’t stop now.

I found a lump on Monday night, a very painful lump, at the base of my throat. I was getting ready for bed, had washed  my face and was putting moisturizer on. My fingertips hit that lump, and I cried out. Then, like a child with a bruise, I kept pushing at it. This is definitely not normal. I asked Spouse to look at it. He could see it, under the skin. I wouldn’t let him touch it, kept putting my own hands in the way. We decided if it didn’t feel better in a couple of days, I would call the doctor. Tuesday morning, I woke up thinking maybe I’d imagined it. Maybe it was the result of a sodium overload over the weekend. My hand went to my throat…no, it was still there, and it still hurt just as much. I tried to ignore it all day, but I kept feeling it there. And I did something you shouldn’t do – I looked it up on the internet. Don’t look stuff up on the internet when you have a lump!

Yesterday morning, I called the doctor. I’ve had it on my list to make an appointment for a physical for months.  They got me in right away. As an aside, I’d love to know how a well-past-forty-person grows almost an inch? Seriously…I’ve been 5’1 3/4″ since I was 15, but the nurse measured me at 5’2 1/2″ yesterday morning. Methinks she may have mis-measured.

They did the usual temperature, blood pressure, height, and weight. Then the doctor came in. She felt the lump for what seemed like forever, pushed and poked at it. She checked my ears, nose, and eyes. I definitely have fluid in one ear, so she prescribed antibiotics. And she gave me the usual, “It’s probably nothing, but….” as she ordered blood work – fasting blood work, heavy on the thyroid testing – and a neck ultrasound. I go back in two weeks.

Today, not so good.  I can’t tell if, because I’m aware it’s there, I feel the lump pushing against my airway, not cutting off my breathing, but just there, ever-so-slightly restricting.  Same with eating…I can just feel it when I’m swallowing. But is that in my head, because I know the lump is there, or is it really affecting swallowing? I ran without any breathing problems this morning. I didn’t even think about the lump when I was running.

And then the meltdown came. Do you ever have those things, those days where you are wondering where you went wrong? What kind of karma is coming back to haunt you? And I let my mind go there…what if it is cancer? My next thought was, “I can’t do that to Daddy. He’s been through enough.” Much less, I can’t do that to my kids, my husband. It  has to be okay. But the tears were near. Whatever it is, it isn’t  normal. And it hurts. Today, I’m not in a good place. I want to hibernate, hide away. I felt the panic attack coming on. I felt the tears waiting to fall.

It’s been a long day. Follow-up appointments have been scheduled, but it’s exhausting thinking about it. Apparently all the follow-ups for Big Man weren’t enough to deal with, I had to get in on the action. Right now, I don’t know it will be okay. I’m trying to believe it will, but it’s hard when you’re mired in that just-tired-and-overwhelmed kind of day. Aren’t you happy you’re along for the ride?

23 thoughts on “A lump

  1. I’m clicking Like only for your openness. I’ve been there. Different area, definite malignancy, but I’m here now. You’re right to feel as you do.
    Try your very best to prevent worry from robbing you of now. (I think this happens to most people at some point. You realize each day is potential for more love and hope and it helps a bit with the acceptance, and then you wonder why you took so much for granted and you really understand gratitude in a way you didn’t before…It’s prosaic, but sorta inevitable.)
    You really don’t need to worry until the dr says so. For instance, at one time, my 3-yr-old had TWO and it was remnant of infection. But they hurt her and I agonized about it until I realized they were shrinking.
    It could be so many SIMPLE things. Much more likely, k?
    My lymph nodes swell periodically due to other illness, and on occasion, if they’re bad, I get treated for cellulitis.
    See, there’s two reasons these things happen that are not so scary 🙂
    So you know, I understand and empathize with your worries. (((BIG cyber HUGS)))

  2. When I had an impacted tooth, I had a huge lump under my jaw back near the ear canal. I looked like a chipmunk on that side of my face. Lymph nodes can swell dramatically when your body’s trying to fight off an infection. Hopefully, the antibiotics will take care of everything. I wouldn’t worry about it too much unless the doctor calls back and tells you there’s a problem. I understand being worried, though. I think that’s very normal.

  3. It does feel like I should not hit the “like” button. But I will for your courage to share. I can imagine this is a tough time. My heart goes out to you and I will pray for you. As the previous comments read, it may be nothing to worry about… but your worrying is understandable. Stay strong and try to think positive thoughts. God bless you always.

  4. It’s scary I know. And look at you, thinking about everyone else’s feelings. You’re a great mom, partner, daughter. You will be okay, don’t worry. Just think positive! Keep us posted. Thinking of you

  5. Praying for you! Sharing your story is exactly what you need, especially if you get less than appealing news soon, everyone can help support you, or even celebrate with you if it turns out to be nothing! <3<3

  6. I’ll bet this one was hard to write,,,I’m so proud of you for allowing us to be a part of this scare. You know you’ve got one praying momma over here. Hide, cry, be mad, and keep writing ♥

  7. This must be that one more thing you just don’t need. It’s so hard, when we already have so much to deal with, to have something new show up. You’re doing all the right things, and lots of good people are thinking good thoughts for you. Hang in there.

  8. I’ve got my fingers crossed for a little thyroid problem that will soon go away.It’s just as well to err on the side of caution though.At least you get your physical.
    xxx Huge Hugs xxx

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