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In the pit of my stomach

I have that ball again…the ball of stress sitting in the pit of my stomach. Ugh. It doesn’t feel good.  Tears are close to the surface. Anxiety is rising. I hate this feeling.

I’ve been operating under the mode of “No news is good news” this school year. I haven’t been getting phone calls or emails from school as I was last year. That’s good, right? We’re six weeks into the school year, and there hasn’t been a need for an emergency meeting with his Special Ed team. This is all good stuff. I know it’s good stuff. But that apparently doesn’t mean Little Man isn’t going sideways at school.

His SAI sent home a story the other day. It’s Little Man’s social story for his school day. He’d pushed back on reading it with her the other day, so she wanted me to read it with him. As I read it, I realized all the things he’s not doing each day, all the behaviors and responses he still needs a lot of help with. It made me sad, and it stressed me out.

He’s in seventh grade. His social, emotional, and classroom behavior is more like that of a second grader, on his good days. How the heck is he going to be ready for high school in two years? He can’t even get through one lesson without wanting to get out of the room and do what he wants to do. He is so focused on getting to his desired activities. I have no clue how he gets any class work done. And let’s not even talk about working in groups without yelling at a peer. When I think about him in a high school classroom, I lose it. I automatically think he’s never going to be capable. Then I wonder just what we’re going to do when we reach high school. The amount of development and learning between now and then is beyond overwhelming.

I think I need to break his story down for me as well as for him. We need to focus on one skill/behavior at a time. I’ve asked them to push him this year, but we still need to not overwhelm him or push his anxiety level through the roof. There are days I wonder if he has time to learn the actual curriculum.

I think I’ve detached myself this school year. Last year was just so intense, I had to take a step back. But I suppose it’s time to re-engage, to check in, to push him a little bit myself, and to once again focus on making sure he’s learning now, as well as preparing for high school two years from now.

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