I saw a book on an autism page I follow, written by the sibling of an autistic child, about what it was like to be the sibling of an autistic child. I didn’t read all the details – the book was targeted towards younger children. But it got me wondering again what it’s like for Big Man and the Princess to be the brother and sister of Little Man. How are they changed, how are they different from who they would be if not for autism being part of our daily world?
Every family has their stuff to deal with. Autism is what’s on our plate. Currently, they are in a different school than Little Man. That will be so for another year and a half. And, quite honestly, we still don’t know he will go to the same high school as they. If he does, how will that change their lives? They get that respite for seven hours a day. They get to be who they are, rather than “sibling to an autistic kid” being in their face constantly. But when they bring friends home, it’s there. Do they explain beforehand? Do they have to explain again? Does it bother them? Does it enter their minds when they’re building those outside relationships? Does it make them anxious?
Here’s the deal – Little Man is high functioning, and while his social skills have improved immensely, his particular issues mean he can sometimes come across as just a jerk, rather than a kid with autism. Does that make sense? And then there are his quirks – carrying around stuffed animals, obsessing over particular video games and wanting to talk about them ALL THE TIME, needing to leave the movie theater multiple times during a movie when the stimuli is simply overwhelming him, often behaving like an 8-year-old rather than the almost-13-year-old he is but then frequently showing his extreme intelligence. I don’t know how new people, people who don’t really know us, know him, take that in. As siblings, do they, and how do they, prep other people?
Other than that, what is it like for them to be his brother, his sister? I know I lose patience with him sometimes. Trust me, there have been days I’ve seriously earned the Mother Of the Year trophy. Last week, the Princess had enough of his (what should have been thinking bubble) comments, and blasted him. You can bet it didn’t go over well. I completely understood her losing patience. Do they understand why he gets treated a certain way in certain situations? Why he might be allowed to not eat what we’re eating? Why he might get his phone when we’ve said no technology in some social situations? Why we still find him in our bed some nights and don’t always make him go back to his own room?
I’ve seen the Princess mothering him, managing situations to minimize the potential for meltdowns, helping him. Big Man seems less engaged that way, but I know it’s in there, I know it affects him.
If I allow myself to go there, I can nearly break with the thought their lives shouldn’t have to be affected by autism. I do believe it will, in the long run, make them more compassionate, patient, empathetic, understanding people who will defend and stand up for those who need it. I just wish they didn’t have to learn that first hand. What’s it like for them? I may never know completely. I know I generally keep what it’s really like for me to be his mom to myself (and my blog). I wonder how much they’re keeping to themselves what it’s like to be his siblings?