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The Fixer

I’m a middle kid. Well, I’m actually one of seven siblings, but I’m the middle of three who grew up in one household together. Family is complicated, isn’t it? Anyways…I think I’m a pretty typical middle kid – overachieving (when I was younger….now I’m respectably average in pretty much all I do), perfectionist, self-driven, super organized. I was the mediator growing up. I liked to smooth the way between people, particularly my siblings. I translated, repaired the communication lines. I needed everyone around me to be happy, and would do all I could to make it so. I also flew under the radar a lot.That was my happy place. I tried desperately not to make waves, not to disrupt, not to make anyone unhappy with me.

It can make a person a little bit neurotic and anxious, trust me. It took me years to figure out what I was doing, and to learn to take a step back. I was not responsible for the happiness of every person in my life. It wasn’t my job to make everything happy and smooth for them. I shouldn’t change myself, or give up my voice, just because someone else might not agree, or it might cause some tension. I needed to learn to let go, a lot, especially as people will still make their own choices/mistakes. At the same time, I struggle incredibly with conflict. It makes me super uncomfortable, even now.

I was doing really well with the letting go, the backing away, the putting responsibility for a person’s happiness back upon that person rather than taking it upon myself. Then I had kids, and those kids grew into big kids, and now teenagers. I want, so much, for them to be happy, for their lives to go smoothly, to ease their paths. But guess what? Teenagers don’t listen to their parents. We’re the morons who know nothing, aren’t we? I remember that distinctly from when I was a teen. That’s fine. I can take it. But oh, when things aren’t going well, it’s all I can do to not try to mediate, translate, offer some suggestions. That middle kid syndrome is back in full force. They’re my babies – I do hold some responsibility for their happiness, don’t I? So I’m fighting myself to just step back. They   have to learn, on their own, in their way, in their time. It’s part of growing up, becoming independent, preparing to be out in the world on their own.

Middle kids – we like to fix, make happy, help create smooth paths. It’s what we do. We are, after all, in the middle.

4 thoughts on “The Fixer

  1. I have two middle kids, but only one who is the fixer, the mediator, the peacemaker. I, too, caution her about boundaries and expectations. She hates conflict, and while peace is good, she can lend herself to being the field of battle. :/
    It’s hard not to meddle. I do the thing where I listen at the time, and then days later, I bring it up and we can talk about how it went, review decisions, and discuss other possibilities. You’re right to give them space. Barring a serious red flag, they need our trust, our support, knowing we’re available.

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