Home » Autism » That’s not how this works, friend

That’s not how this works, friend

So, we have a chore chart in our house. It hangs on the fridge in the kitchen, and kids’ jobs rotate every week. They do everything from feeding the dogs and taking out the trash to sweeping the pool and helping with dinner. They earn points for each chore completed, and, if they earn enough points (we have three levels), they get rewards. We’ve had this chart forever. What is changing is the enforcement for Little Man, and oh, he is so not happy.

I will admit – I’ve let him slack on a lot of stuff. I try to be tougher, but sometimes it’s just easier to do it myself than deal with the battle. Here’s the thing, though….after three full IEP evaluations, which each have included testing for PE as well as time with the occupational therapist, we know he is fully physically capable of everything his siblings are capable. He can do it all, he just doesn’t want to.

Last night, we had a full-blown battle over putting dinner away. He and Big Man got into it. I told him, under no uncertain terms, he is fully capable and therefore is fully expected to complete all his chores, unassisted and without accommodation anymore, no arguments. He threw a fit. It didn’t help Big Man was kind of being an instigator, but when Little Man said something derogatory to me, the discipline came down hard. Oh, he was so not happy.

Here’s the problem with high-functioning autistic kids…..they are entirely too smart for their own good sometimes. He can, and he will, manipulate. Now, every time he says he wants to hurt himself, we take his words seriously, within context. So last night, he used those words again, even texting his friend – with whom he knows I’m friends with his mom – that he was going to hurt himself. Multiple texts later, I was angry. I knew he wasn’t going to hurt himself. He was using that as a threat to get me to give in. I called him on it, and said never again will you use those words unless you seriously mean them. I let him know that under no circumstance was he to use that to manipulate anyone or any situation ever again.

I will not allow him to use his autism as an excuse to get out of anything. I’m sorry, bud, but you are totally capable, mentally and physically, of feeding the dogs, cleaning your room, emptying the trash, unloading the dishwasher, clearing dinner, sweeping the pool, and helping put groceries away. And when you do something wrong, willfully, you WILL get in trouble, and you will take the consequences without threatening self-harm.

I will not allow him to manipulate to get out of doing things he doesn’t want to do, or to get us to cave on consequences. Is it a fine line? Certainly….because we know there’s so much co-morbidity between diagnosis for people on the spectrum, anxiety and depression are just part of life. And we do know he HAS meant those words before. And I am absolutely terrified that someday he may hurt himself. But I still will not let him put that in his toolbox as an avoidance or manipulation tool. That’s not how this works.

This may sound harsh. Trust me, I’ve done battle with myself enough times over it already. What is comes down to is, yes, he’s autistic and that means he has a certain level of disability. But we won’t let him use that as a crutch to get through or out of things he is fully capable of doing.

6 thoughts on “That’s not how this works, friend

  1. Way to go on putting your foot down on being manipulated. The battle is very difficult and emotionally tiring whether they’re on the spectrum or not. The best I can say is stick with it. He’ll figure it out. Or he won’t 🙂 Good luck!

  2. Stand firm and hold your ground. I know it can be difficult and stressful but it will most definitely help him in the end. This stage will pass. I have no doubt the progress we made with our son was due in part to my willingness to be the “mean Mom.” In about five years he will thank you for helping him get to where he is.

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