“They were laughing at me”

We have reached the time of school year Little Man has kind of reached maximum capacity and goes a little off the rails. He’s had a rough week. He’s had nightmares, trouble sleeping, and just less ability to use his tools.

His SAI emailed me yesterday. Something happened in science class. He had an outburst, and then didn’t want to go to class yesterday. I asked him about it….First, he said he didn’t really want to talk about it, but then I reminded him I couldn’t help him, Mrs. E couldn’t help him, if he couldn’t tell me what happened.  It seems he’d asked a kid to leave him alone – I don’t know his tone nor his exact words, but he asked, and the kid didn’t comply. In Little Man’s words, he started to “freak out” and then the kids started laughing at him, which only made the problem worse.

I hate this for him. Teenagers can be cruel. But also, as I explained to him, some people just don’t know how to respond to expressions of emotion, and so they laugh. I’m not mad at those kids….not really. They’re just being normal teens. But my heart hurts for my boy. He’s still working on so many things. And no matter what his chronological age, his emotional and social age is so far behind, and it’s patently obvious.

I’m not asking the teachers nor his SAI to micro-manage every minute to make sure he never has to face this situation. I need him to learn the tools to respond better. Does that make sense? Although I don’t blame him either. It’s a much bigger, much longer learning curve for him. Does it break my heart he’s hurting? Oh my gosh, YES. I’d change all of this in  a heartbeat to protect him from hurt.

He’s cognizant of the fact he’s somewhat different. He’s aware of his deficits. We constantly remind him his advantages and amazing he is.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I’ve been sitting here, tears rolling down my face as I try to write this. I guess there are just days I really hate his life is harder. There are days I want to curse down autism. There are days I want to put on my Super Mom cape and protect him from everything and everyone. Days like this make me more afraid what he will face in the big world of high school, where his differences may be even more evident, more apparent, and make him more of a target. I guess what I’m saying is my autism momma heart is a little bruised today, and I’m praying for a better day for my Little Man.