The Ending

*Something of a spoiler alert – if you haven’t seen LaLa Land yet (holy wow, who hasn’t seen LaLa Land yet?) But if you haven’t seen it yet, you may want to skip this post, cuz I tell you the ending…….*

 

I bought the LaLa Land DVD when it came out recently. I haven’t watched it though. The Princess and I did see it when it was in theaters, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to watch it again. Here’s why – the ending still haunts me. I still haven’t been able to decide if I liked it or not. And since we’ve kind of been in an emotional place in recent months, neither P nor I felt ourselves in a place to be able to handle it. Heck, the music is enough to make me cry.

I did really love the movie, but that ending…..Did you like it, if you saw it? I get it – it’s more real life than most movies. We don’t always end up getting forever with that one person who was with us during a time we’re becoming, we’re discovering, we’re learning about ourselves. I had one of those – a boy I dated right out of college. I was starting my career, really figuring out what I wanted to do with my life, and I was making plans. Turns out he wasn’t supposed to be Mr. Forever, he was just Mr. Right Then. It took me a few years to figure that out, and I don’t regret that one minute. He encouraged me in so many ways, helped me grow and learn. And we had some amazing adventures together. He was there for me at a pivotal point in my life. But we both ended up married to other people, and that’s as it should be. Spouse is my Mr. Forever, and has stood by my side through things I don’t know that other boy would have been able.

My deal is this – when I go to a movie, I don’t tend to want reality. Hello! I’m there to escape reality. That means the boy gets the girl, and the girl gets the boy, and it’s forever. Amen, and pass the popcorn. I had NO CLUE I was going to get a dose of reality at the end of this movie. For real – who puts real life at the end of a magical musical? It was like a punch to the gut at the end. It took me weeks to recover. I think that’s a big part of why the music still gets to me.

P and I talked about it. We both kind of go back on forth on whether we liked it or not. What’s your take?  Should it have had a happy ending? Or did you consider this a happy ending after all? I mean, she is married with a beautiful child, and is a successful actress, but she’s not married to the guy who helped her get there, the guy who stood by her side as she worked towards her dreams and began to see them realized. There still seemed a certain sadness, a what if, to her at the end. And he definitely seemed sad, even if he did fulfill his dream of having his own jazz club. I didn’t walk away with an “everyone is fine” feeling. I’m leaning towards it not being a happy ending, and it making me sad.

Friday Favorites #21

Well, the way my Monday went, I was sure this week was going to be a cluster of epic proportions, but it’s actually turned out to be a fairly decent week. I didn’t have any work events, which meant I had time to work and get normal-life stuff done too. #winning

I have been a little weepy though. Small things set me off, like the Princess asking me if I ever just need to go in my room and cry for fifteen minutes without really knowing why. Sigh. Can she just stop growing up already? Sometimes we have to be selfish and take time for ourselves, even if it’s just letting ourselves have that fifteen-minute, for-no-good-reason cry. Then there was the talk with Spouse about the mortality of our parents. Right?

My Friday Favorites for this week are as scattered as my own emotions have been.

  • We all go through stuff. Sometimes it’s really big stuff that takes years to resolve.  Sometimes it’s big but short-term. Sometimes it completely up-ends our lives. What do you do when you’re faced with the Big Things? Anthony and Christina over at The Plagued Parent wrote a list of suggestions of things to do when going through the Big Things. Go check em out. I was head-nodding like there’s no tomorrow.
  • Keeping in the spirit of dealing with stuff, Joey of Joeyfully Stated has had herself a week. I felt bad to giggle at her misfortunes, but we’ve all been there, right?
  • Vic’s photos at Just Plain Ol’ Vic speak for themselves. Just leaving this here for you…..
  • If you feel the need for inspiration, these photos shared by bluebird of bitterness should help.
  • Along the lines of my post yesterday, were you cursed by your parents to have a child just like  you? What was your reaction when you discovered the curse had worked and you have a child just like you? Again with the laughing at someone else’s misfortunes, but Jill’s tale  at Square Peg in a Round Hole today  just made me giggle, mostly because I’ve lived it myself.
  • Need a moment of peace? This photo shared by The Daily Blabber is sure to help.
  • Whether you’re a mom to a special needs kid, or a “normal” kid, there are many times you have to put on your cape, and protect them from the words of others, so they might fly. Cooper’s Mom at findingcoopersvoice shared a story of Thomas Edison’s mom that’s been floating around social media lately. It stopped me the first time I saw it, because goodness knows, enough has been said about what Little Man is and isn’t capable of. I love this story. We can be whatever we think we can be, regardless of what someone else might say we’re capable of, especially if we have someone standing behind us, covering our ears from the naysayers.
  • It’s been almost 18 years since my grandmother passed away (the one I was very close to), and nearly seven years since my oldest sister passed.  I am forever grateful I had the chance to spend time with each of them just before they died. There came a peace from having that. Sandra of A Momma’s View shares her journey with loss, of having that peace, of life and death, where we go, if it matters. I appreciate her honesty, especially in her time of loss.
  • I’m still trying to fill the gaping hole Cute Overload left by leaving. Sigh. I’ll leave you this Friday afternoon with these two posts from a cooking pot and twisted tales and Chris the Story Reading Ape’s Blog to help us finish this off right.

 

Hope you all have a great weekend.  What will you do with your extra February day Monday?

The Gnashing of Teeth

Little Man still gets in our bed probably five nights out of seven. He starts in his bed, but somewhere around 2 or 3am, my door will creak open, and I’ll wake up to the sound of his soft steps across the wood floor.  He always comes to my side of the bed, crawling up at the foot and feeling his way between me and Spouse. If there’s a dog in the way, he will move her, and then snuggles down under the covers, falling to his deepest sleep around 4am.

Some nights, I sleep through his maneuvers, and just wake up to him kicking, flopping, punching, or yelling, the covers pulled completely off of me. Most nights he comes into our bed, my sleep is soundly disturbed until he hits that 4am sound sleep. Kinda hard to not be awakened when you fear a punch to the face at any moment, or a kick in the back, or a scream in your ear.  His bad nights are really bad.  But even if he’s in his room on his bad nights, he still manages to keep me awake.

The other night, he was flopping around our bed. It was 1:30am.  I was exhausted, frustrated at what I knew was going to be a long night. And then I heard a sound I’ve never heard from him before. It was awful. It crawled up my spine, into my jaw, and speared into my brain.  I couldn’t figure out what it was, so I rolled over, trying to see in the dark, and without my contacts in. I put my hand on his chest, his arms, his legs, his tummy, and finally on his face. He was, quite literally, gnashing his teeth. Oh. My. God. It was the most awful sound I’ve ever heard in my life. It made my teeth hurt as if I were the one doing the gnashing. Side note – isn’t gnashing a cool word?

He’s done it twice since that night. And once he starts it up, it will go the rest of the night until he gets to that really good, deep sleep.  We started being more diligent in sending him back to his bed, but he’s typically back in our room within 30 minutes.  I tap his face, try to roll him over, anything to make him stop making that sound.  It’s hideous, and I can’t imagine what it’s doing to his teeth and jaw. It also stresses me out to think of what’s bothering him so much during the day he has to spend half the night grinding his teeth away.

Do something that scares you

We’ve all heard that quote from Eleanor Roosevelt – “Do something every day that scares you.” Quite honestly, there’s a lot that scares me. I wouldn’t consider myself a courageous nor a strong person. I have my  moments. Don’t we all? We find our strength when we need it.

As my kids have gotten older, it’s become more and more apparent I need to move beyond my own comfort zone, model who I want them to be.  That means getting out there, and doing things that are kinda scary. I started with the running thing. It’s a bit terrifying to register for, train for, and run a half marathon.  I wanted them to see me doing something that took commitment, that which was difficult, and was also scary. People watch marathons and half marathons. If I fall, they will see it. If I walk, people will know. And what if I can’t finish? Running, and running races in particular, has given me courage in other areas of my life.

I started practicing yoga again this year. Some days, the teacher will tell us to do something and I look at her and laugh, out loud. In my mind I’m thinking, “There’s no way in heck that’s going to happen.” She, if she says anything, says, “You can do this. I’ll be right here, and I’ll help you.” She doesn’t really let us so no, although she does accept our limits when we reach them. The success of a pose isn’t getting to the maximum, it’s getting to my  maximum. Yesterday, we worked on back bends. I started up, and felt fear holding me back (not to mention the fact my arms felt too weak to lift my upper body off the floor). She came over, counted to three, and pulled me up. Once I was there, I realized I had let fear take over. Why should someone be afraid of a back bend? I don’t know it was being upside down. I think I was more afraid of knowing my weakness, my limitations. I was afraid of failing, and that fear made me fail on my own. Then she pulled me up, and once there, I remembered the above quote. I found strength in holding that back bend, even though I hadn’t reached it completely on my own.

Strength doesn’t come in solitude. Strength comes in admitting weaknesses, asking for and accepting help, knowing our best isn’t always the definition we hold in our minds but it is still our best, and in honoring the moment of getting there.

There are a lot of things which scare me in this world, failing in front of the eyes of others  being one of them.  I’m learning to move past that, but that takes practice. Do something every day that scares you.

Yesterday, I ordered two multi-subject notebooks. It’s time to stop letting fear get in the way of my dreams. I have a new purple pen too, one that writes oh so smoothly. I have a story that has been rolling around my brain for over a year. Then there are two other writing projects in mind as well. Do something every day that scares you. This terrifies me. But I’m going to jump on in there.

What scares you? What dream have you let fear keep you from chasing?

What Does it Mean?

Last night was the land of strange dreams. I had one of those that sticks with you and kind of haunts you all day. I keep going back to it, trying to figure out what it means. See if you can tell me. In the dream, E-man was a baby. Not yet walking, but big enough to be a load to carry. And I was carrying him, trying to get somewhere. I can’t remember if I was trying to get home, or just get back to the rest of our family who was…..somewhere. We had to keep going through these strange places….a carnival (in the behind-the-tents kind of area), a minor league baseball field, shops.  We kept getting stuck in those places, and I knew we weren’t supposed to be there so I was trying desperately to not be seen. In the baseball field, we somehow ended up on the field, and security people were yelling at us but no one would help. On top of this, E was sick….feverish and throwing up. We did somehow eventually get back. M was mad that it took us so long, and that I’d had a sick baby out all night. Maybe I’m making too much of what was likely just a dream.  But that feeling of needing so badly to get somewhere, and of getting continually sidetracked and caught….I can’t seem to shake it off.

I’m still worried about him.  While things seem to have leveled off somewhat with his medication changes and increased dosages, I can’t help the feeling we are in some new arena, one in which I’m mostly lost. I don’t know what’s coming up. New things keep happening, unexpected things. I can’t seem to get a full handle on it, on him.

Last night, I turned my light out around 10 and shortly after, was drifting off to sleep when I heard E bang into the wall. I thought I’d heard the garage door open and close a few minutes before. Suddenly suspicious, I knew I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep until I checked on him. Yes, he was awake. Not only was he awake, he had brought a can of 7-Up, a box of goldfish, and his iPod up to his room. He was happily munching away watching YouTube videos of some video-gamer. As soon as he realized I was in the room, he started apologizing. I took it all away. I told him under no circumstances was this okay. Not only was it way past his bedtime, but he’d broken all kinds of rules….grabbed a soda without asking, brought it and food upstairs, and brought his iPod upstairs (we have a no phone, no computer, no iPod upstairs rule).  No wonder this kid is completely exhausted every day. I have no idea how long he’s been pulling this trick. I haven’t found any goldfish or soda cans in his room prior to last night, but we have had issues with the iPod before. He’s lost all technology for the week. Makes my life harder, but honestly in some ways, I feel he’s breaking rules because he wants us to discipline the same way the other two would be disciplined. I’m at a loss.

The speech therapist from his school called today. He’d gone into her room during lunch. He now eats in the multi-purpose room now because it’s too loud for him at the lunch tables. Well, he told her he couldn’t eat today because, although no one was in the MPR with him, he felt like someone was watching him. <insert huge sigh here>  This is new for him. It’s not the first time he’s verbalized this fear/worry, but it’s a new anxiety. He said this same thing one night last week after going upstairs to bed. I have no idea where this is coming from, nor what to do with it. Call to therapist added to my to-do list.

I’m used to “new” things from my other two. We are adjusting to having a teen and pre-teen in the house and all that comes with having middle-schoolers….school dances, interest in the opposite sex, phones, internet access, etc.  While I’ve felt at times I’m floundering, nothing is unexpected. It’s just new. This stuff with E – I never know what’s coming. It all feels unexpected AND new. There needs to be a guidebook for this kid.