What made us ask?

The Princess asked awhile back what made us start having Little Man evaluated for autism. It’s all so ingrained in my mind….the horrific summer we had between his first and second grade years….the micro-managing, the meltdowns, the worry that maybe I just wasn’t being a good parent to him/not hard enough. I remember being SO offended when my sister, who is a para, suggested we have him evaluated.

That summer was so miserable. I was exhausted trying to keep him from falling apart and/or lashing out every  minute of every day. We knew to do countdowns before we left for anywhere or changed activities. We knew he didn’t like unexpected loud noises. We knew certain things kept him comforted. But I lived from minute-to-minute, never knowing what disaster would come next. By the time school started, we knew we were dealing with ADHD at the very least. I was in denial about anything else. At his parent/teacher conference six weeks into the school year, I asked his teacher what she thought. She legally couldn’t really say anything, but when I said we were considering having him evaluated, she just nodded her head and said she thought that was a good plan of action. We’d known her for a few years already – I was comfortable enough with her to be honest about my fears and concerns. She’d had enough time to get to know him in the classroom setting. We all knew something wasn’t quite the same as other kids for my Little.

When my sister made the suggestion, I immediately texted my BFF – who happens to have a daughter on the spectrum. She’d spent some time with Little Man over the years of our friendship, and knew the summer we’d experienced. She said to me, “You know, she might be right.” I had an A-Ha moment of epic proportions. Appointment with the pediatrician scheduled the next day, which earned us ADHD eval paperwork and a referral to a child psych specializing in ASD. Within a month,  we knew he was ADHD, hyper type, and autistic.

I cried the day we got his official diagnosis. In so many ways, it felt like a life-sentence. I didn’t know what to do, how we would manage, what life would look like now. Then another friend with a son on the spectrum reminded me that Little Man was still Little Man. A diagnosis hadn’t changed him from one day to the next. That diagnosis would just get him the help he needed, and it helped describe him, but it did not define him, nor us as a family. It is part of who he is, who we are, but it is not all.

There have been some pretty dark days since Diagnosis Day six years ago. Some of those days have left us scarred. And autism does not go away, ever. What started us down that road? Well, it was just a realization that he wasn’t just an immature youngest child who was behaviorally challenging to us…..a realization there was something more, something deeper, and that we all needed help.  It was the complete understanding there was something different about him, that we weren’t just horrible parents and he wasn’t just a horrible, misbehaving child. That “more” was the impetus. And so, here we are, six years later…..he’s still autistic, but he’s still my Little Man. Nothing about that has changed.

The Year of the Choice

I remember this point three years ago, when Little Man had just started his last year of elementary school. I remember the anxiety I was beginning to feel, knowing we would have to make the decision during that year where he was going to go to middle school. He was in a pretty good place that year, but I was terrified of what was coming, terrified of messing up and making the wrong decision, terrified of the new big bad world he would be facing and its potential for total disaster.

Sixth grade was BRUTAL. We knew it would be, no matter where he ended up. The magnitude of change moving to middle school guaranteed stress, anxiety, meltdown, regression.  I don’t doubt the decision we made as far as where he goes to middle school – it is the perfect place for him. We’ve watched him thrive in the last year, and feel confident he will continue on that path this year. That’s not to say he’s without issues.  He’s been pushing back on doing his work, and on doing his work to his full ability (he’s a brilliant boy).  He’s gotten a little lax, a little lazy.  And, I’m not gonna lie, he sometimes uses his ability to manipulate to get out of things, or delay. So we’ve brought the hammer, because we know we have to prepare him for high school and the expectations that come with that level of education.

I’m trying desperately to stay in this moment, to just relax and enjoy the good place he’s in. But I can’t help the thought from hovering…..we will have to make a choice at some point this year where he will be going for high school. Thinking about any of the options brings a rise in anxiety level for me.  The school the older two go to is huge, and it is traditional….moving classes, big campus, PE for Freshmen, homework loads, etc. I fear the potential for bullying is too big. I get palpitations thinking about him going from class to class, much less making it through every class every day (they block, so Tuesday – Friday, classes are 90-ish minutes long). I panic when I think about him even knowing what his homework is, much less getting it done. And don’t get me started on PE – that’s been the bane of his existence since first grade.

The PBL/math and science high school would be a good fit, but it’s different. He wouldn’t be with his siblings.  And its location requires navigating morning rush-hour traffic in addition to the usual drop-off/pick-up mess. Yes, that one is on me – it’s SUPER inconvenient. Then there are the other options – Classical, Charter, home school (which, quite honestly, isn’t really on the table at all). So. Many. Choices. So much pressure and anxiety.

He goes back and forth between wanting to go to the math & science school, and going to the school down the street with his brother and sister. His class will do high school visits around town in October or November. We have his IEP in November, and a representative from his “home school” will be there.

I feel like I need to meet the special ed teams at each school on the table. I need to know we can work together, that they will have his best interests at heart, that they will protect him, that they will help us get him to the goal of a full diploma with as few disasters along the way as possible.  We  need a school he will keep receiving the services he needs, and that will accommodate him in his particular form of special.

See, this is where I spiral. I’m really trying to focus on the fact he’s in a good place right now, and not stress about what’s coming next year. At the same time, I know how quickly time passes, and that we will need to start these discussions with his teams sooner than later. We basically have about two months to live in the now. Then, we will have to face the year of the choice head-on.